Alotta Useless Jargon

I hope we can still be friends

2005-11-29T07:45:00.000-08:00

It's amazing. I could've almost written the speech for her. I knew what was coming; for the most part.
Right up to the traditional "still be friends line."
Only she spun it a little bit differently.
"I really like having you as my friend. And don't want that to end."
Some flattery to soften the blow. Tell me that I am special to her, to make the pain of rejection a little lest severe.
As if.
Three months. THREE MONTHS of shit and a one-sided love affair and she expects me to just smile and pretend that everything is ok.
Why?
So she doesn't have to feel so guilty? Is that it?
Is that why they do that?
As if we want some kind of consolation prize?

How can someone be so insensitive as to use a line so trite and cliche'?
You know perfectly well, we cannot be friends!
We don't want to be friends. We want to be lovers. We want you to give to us what we have so willingly handed over.
To go back to being friends is IMPOSSIBLE.
Once you cross that line, there is no turning back. There is no return.

I have to heal. I'm hurt. I'm hurt in ways I never knew were possible.
My whole world has collapsed.
There is no more sunshine.
The last thing I can possibly handle right now is her presence. I cannot even think about her without panic passing over me.

We were never just friends. I wanted her. I always wanted her. I can still remember the first time I saw her. I had to have her. I didn't know why. Instinct. I had to be with her. I was never interested in just being friends. I always wanted more. We were never just friends.

How selfish. How selfish to ask that someone who has given you so much and asked for nothing in return, be willing to lay his heart aside and pretend to not be broken up inside, just so you can have what you desire. Or so you can feel better about yourself.

Not every relationship was meant to last forever. Every one of them is a gamble. But when they are over, they are over. We tried. It failed. There is no blame. It isn't anyone's fault. It simply didn't work out. Why can't that be the end of it?
It pains me to think I will never again enjoy a smoothie, a sandwich or fall asleep watching a movie with her. But I have to get over her. I can't just wait for one of us to move away or something rediculous such as that. It hurts too much. I respect myself too much.

I remember my response. I told her "we can't always get what we want."
Inside I was screaming "are you insane?" I wanted to say so much more. I wanted to shout and scream and cry. But what good would have come of it? None.
She wanted to avoid drama. I spared her the drama.
It was a very diplomatic breakup.
Now I am left with nothing but a permanent reminder, splayed across the west wall of my living room.

2005-11-28T18:48:00.000-08:00

Wake up in it.
Early, alarm hasn't sounded.
Time to think. Time to relive it.
Every second, every action, everything.
All of it perfectly replayed inside my head.
From 5:30 to 6:30 every morning I relive the nightmare.
Cannot stop. Cannot shift focus.
It's right in front of me.
I am a slave to my inner deamons.

I never could have forseen this.
The heart doesnt anticipate disaster.
It only sees potential. Glory and Perfection.
Even when I knew

2005-11-27T18:08:00.000-08:00

I went running this evening.
Almost immediately my thoughts turned to her.
So i ran faster. Still she kept up with me.
The faster I ran, the more apparent it became that I was not going to escape.
She is inside me. She swims in my veins.
I cannot escape it.
Over and over, my mind replays our last conversation, and a million conversations that never occurred.
Never will occur.
But should occur.

I have so many questions. So many unresolved issues.
I don't know what to do.

The pain is relentless.
Almost undescribable.
Sometimes I just brood on it. It sits on my mind.
I just get so down, I can't even function.
I find myself just lost in it, staring.
Staring away.

I miss her. I miss her more than I thought I would.

I'm tired of beating myself up.
Tired of playing out scenarios.
The "what if's"
So many things I could've done differently.
Would it have mattered?
Of course. Because right now inside my head, I did everything wrong.
Everyting I said. Everything I did could have been done differently.
And it would have made everything perfect.
Inside my head, everything would be perfect.

In time, this will get better.
I will get better.
But for now, I'm hurt.
And I will stay hurt, until I realize it wasn't me.
Until i realize she just wasn't right for me.
I'm not a victim of timing.
I just followed my heart.
I will do it again.

Bring on the Meyhem

2005-09-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

Went to the last Art on the Rocks event of the year. I'd link it for you but I cannot remember my html.
Anyway, night out with the boys.
Art on the Rocks is a classy event. Therefore it is full of chicks who went shopping for the event. Dressed to the nine. Hair in perfection.
Started the evening off right. Knocked down about 3 bourbon and cokes before I left. My buddy Rick had a drink. Justin helped himself to a beer or three.
Raymond had a shot. Everyone was good.
We get there. I'm blitzed. Eat something. Smile at some girls. Don't talk to them. Then you just look stupid.
So, things were fun. Talked to some girl from Norway. She is a Psychologist. Thomas liked her. They talked about thier fiance's. I just sat back and enjoyed the views.
Missed the best part of the evening.
The title of this is Meyhem, if you recall.
Well.
Rick, apparently had about seven shots before he got to my place. Seven.
Yes, seven. And a mixed drink.
Then he had beers at the event.
Did I mention seven shots?
Yeah.
Best explanation for his performance?
Justin said, "it was like watching a guy fall on a rusty sword....over and over and over again."
I cannot possibly describe for you his behavior on paper and give it justice. But i will do my best.
Imagine, if you will. A guy, barely able to stand. Drunk as a skunk and proud of it. He is fearless. When it comes to women, he holds nothing back.
So he busts out a couple of cookie cutters or something. One is a "T", the other a stegasaurus. He sees something else. He sees a penis and a bush. Following me?
Yeah.
"Hey ladies"
Look at these" I stole them. What are they? No, its a penis. Now look. The dinasaur is eating the penis "mwarrr, mwarrrggghh, marwerer." Those last bits are to suggest a monster eating.
"Look, the dinasaur is eating the penis."
This does not impress women at an art museum who went shopping last week specifically for this event.
So, Rick typically stayed a good, five, six minutes longer than he should have. Some of the times, the girls literally had to walk away from him!
But, did all of this rejection phase him? NO. NOt a chance.
He would literally get shot down, pivot on a heel, find a new target and move in. All in one continuous motion.
Marvelous. Lets fall on that sword one more time.
I like to picture a car wreck on an interstate that leads to a 50 car pileup. Only, it has to happen in slow motion, like, over the course of 20 minutes or so.
The worst part about it was, you couldn't like step in and be the good guy, and take advantage of his rediculous behavior. He was so wasted, he couldnt even get names. Let alone numbers.
The night continued like that. We hit a few bars. GOt REALLY drunk and somehow managed to get home before the sun came up.
I woke up at ten yesterday and started drinking by 11. What? Its football season.
I hooked up a second TV and we had three games going on at once! too bad i was so drunk i couldnt enjoy the games! oops.

Why I don't Blog

2005-09-16T15:44:00.000-07:00

I stopped blogging recently. You may have noticed. Maybe you have never been on this site before. Chances are you have as with so little activity, its pretty much fallen off the planet. Well, that suits me just fine because I haven't enjoyed my blogging for a while.
I like to try and divulge things that upset me or anger me or frustrate me, etc. This is my page. I can do what I want with it, right? Well, that is what I figured.
But, as I look back on some of the comments received after a few of my posts, I notice that I get punished for openning my life to the public. Rather than just reading my work and appreciating it for what it is, I get shit. Constantly. Over and over. Everytime I put something in here that isn't jolly and full of kingly goodness, I get some asshole who is supposed to be my buddy who gives me some one liner about how "I need to quit feeling sorry for myself" or "My problems are nothing compared to someone elses."
Well guess what. I don't want you to make me feel stupid for what I write. Why on earth would I be motivated to write something just so I can get beat up for it?
My last post was something I wrote nearly 6 weeks ago. Two days after I wrote that, something marvelous happened to me.
Use your imagination, I am sure you can guess what.
Anyway, I reread the prose, and I really liked it for its artistic value. I think it's pretty good literature. Or pseudo poetry.
Well, I posted it, and got the following comments:
"Stalker"
"Your a psychologist right? Have you've been reading what you wright? You'll never find happiness until you stop over analyzing everything. It's a new girl enjoy the new beginnings before your fears ruin it for your penis."

These comments came from buddies of mine.
Thanks guys. Thanks for your worthless opinions. Don't read my blog if you are going to write shit like that.
And don't yell at me for not updating my blog.

And don't write some jack-ass comment on this post just to spite me, either. Fuckers.

Here's Something I Wrote pt. 2

2005-09-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

There is nothing so frustrating as early feelings. It is supposed to be an exciting, passionate time, full of flirting and teasing. But there is much more to it. The stories fail to remind you of the fear, the indecision, the wondering, wanting.

Doubt.
How closely do you study her?
Searching for hints.
Searching for sings.
Am I seeing things that aren’t really there?
What if I’m misreading the signs?
What if I am too obvious? Am I coming on too strong?
What is she thinking? Is she afraid? Nervous?
Is she anticipating?
I can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate. I can’t make a move.
Too risky.
Think of the repercussions.

How will she respond? How will I respond?
Am I not so transparent? How can that be? I’m throwing myself at her!
With each passing day; window; it seems to be closing.
There comes a point in every one-sided love affair when you pass beyond the point of actions.
Paralyzed.
That cannot be. How could she give up so quickly?
But it seems the case. I should have said something tonight. I should have. Why didn’t I?
Because its risky.
Too many variables. What will people say?
Will I bee looked the fool?
Epictetus would say “so what?”
I say it is more complicated than that. There was a critical aspect of his philosophy.
Improve.
If I try and fail, did I improve?
How foolish.
How foolish to find yourself in this state.
Why now?!
Why all of a sudden does it come to this?
Why must it always be like this?
Same situation, just a new girl.
Same awkward wants and behavior.
Find a distraction.
Find a solution.
Find someone else!

Just be mine.

There's a podcast in my pants...

2005-07-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

And you're invited!

The coolest thing happened while my buddy DeWey was visiting. DeWey came up to visit to escape hurricane Dennis last weekend. While he was here we partied a little, hung out, nerded it up a little, saw a concert that was beyond exciting, and, most importantly, got to cohost his latest podcast! That is the coolest little project EVER!!!
DeWey has been podcasting for a few months now. He has released 11 to date. I may be a little partial, but I think number 11 is the best!

The concert was awesome. Three really talented bands were featured. One had to cancel due to the 'cane. Madrid was the opener (sorry, no web address). Bunch of kids from Pensacola! Really talented, raw, energetic and full of creative, unique tunes! DeWey was blown away by these guys. I wanna see them againand am really psyched to follow their careers.
Next band up was Red Letter Agent. These guys are just plain good. Thats all I should say. Polished, practiced, talented and charismatic also cocme to mind. From Atlanta, they come to Birmingham fairly regularly, I believe. I will catch them the next time they are in town. Guaranteed.
Last up was the band that drew us to the show in the first place. I was doing a little research to figure out what exciting things to do in Birmingham for DeWey's visit and I suggested The Nick. He asked who was playing, I listed the bands and he went nuts! He had actually already scheduled The Rewinds to appear on his next podcast. So, as luck would have it, BAM!! A live show.
A live show complete with an interview!
Check that out in a future podacast!
So just in case any of you readers are writing off this podcast saying "Oh, I don't own an ipod..."
I have news for you. Download itunes for free from apple.com or click here.
After you download the program, head back to DeWey's site and click and hold the kick-ass blue button that says "subscribe." With the mouse button depressed, drag the button down to your itunes menu and drop it in the "podcasts" bar. Then you will have a subscription! Do it! DO IT!
I hope I get invited to host again....

This is a rant

2005-07-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

I hate driving. I hate driving for countless reasons. This is one example.
Driving down a multi-lane highway is not without its obstacles. There are countless morons on the road talking on their cell phones, eating something, looking at the scenery, etc.
But nothing is worse than the "I am in a hurry and want everyone to know it" type of people. You know the type, they zoom past you, in and out of traffic, cutting people off and generally just jacking up the flow of the world.
These idiots are the ones who when confronted with early warning signs of the closing of a lane, will continue to head down that lane at dizzying speeds. "Lane ends, 1/2 mile." Still in the lane. "Lane ends 1000 feet." We aint moving.
Not even at 500 feet do they consider mergins. But, at end of the lane, they will slam on the brakes and wait for some sucker to slow down and let them merge. Not only that, but they aggressively pull their cars into the lane and cut people off again. They jerk out into the lane when the poor slob behind them is dangerously close - but you gotta understand, these assholes can't wait for nothin'. So the car that is legitimately in the lane has to slow down just to avoid slamming into the back of this street nazi. He slows down, the next guy slows down, and the next. Meanwhile, it seems as though there is an asshole convention somewhere down the road because every single dick-suck on the planet has jammed his obnoxious ass into that left lane and is subsequently busting out into the next lane at the very last second forcing people who slowed down before to slow down even more.
Eventually this exercise in fuck results in a bottle neck of assholes, poor slobs and psychopaths all simultaneously going insane while precious seconds tick away, each one sending me one step closer to vehicular homocide. Someday I will snap and run my big red truck over every goddamn little japanese rice burner in my way, laughing maniacally!
I don't think anyone could blame me...

Report from the front

2005-06-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

Time is running out on my little vacation. Tomorrow I head back to Birmingham and back to my life. Cool. Its been a fun trip thus far.
Orlando was cool. The paper presentation went off without a hitch. I am now an accomplished researcher? Well, maybe just getting my feet wet...
I got a pretty big surprise from the audience. Yeah. I couldn't believe it either.
Truth be told, she was actually pretty well behaved this time around. That was nice.
I got to see my buddy Brian again. First time in about two years or so. He and I were chums back in school. He works some mad hours at his job. I am not entirely sure I support his decisions, but it appears as though he is quite happy. Thats about all one can ask for, eh?
Kansas is hot. HOT and WINDY. Wow.
Played pretty good golf though. Didn't win. My teammate and I played too well the first day and got ourselves into the second best flight. One stroke worse, and we would have been in a lower flight. WOrst part, I made put on the 18th hole that got us into the flight! Arrrrggghhh!!! Several hundred dollars in prize money lost. Eh... Such is life.
I am just happy that I survived. I got really sick on Saturday and Sunday. I think that was a result of my hard living for the last ten days or so. Its been a good time, but I guess that is payback, huh?

Conference Fevor

2005-06-16T16:45:00.000-07:00

I'm headed to another conference on Sunday. Down in Orlando. This time though, with the exception of one and one-half hour, I can f**k around all I want. yeah... I don't have to do anything except for the the time when I present my paper. It's my first paper presentation, thats cool. Its a first step towards getting my stupid ass back into graduate school. I figure two degrees is good, but I want people to take me seriously. ALso, I don't want to short myslef. I am kind of smart. Perhaps a little more hard work and...what?
Maybe with a PhD I can afford a trip to Boara Boara. Maybe with a PhD I can spell Bora Bora.
At any rate, there will be NO seniors on this trip. Its so funny, my office is full of professionals, yet it seems oddly like a high school. We have specialists, junior specialists and senior specialists. hmmmmm. and interns (freshmen??)
well, its as if the specialists are all kind of competent, but need direction, the juniors are "mentor, leaders" and the seniors are the ~~supervisors~~ baby-sitters.
At any rate, the trip will be fun. And, when I get back, i get right back on a plane to go to.....

KANS-ASS!
Yeah. Oh well. I get to play golf, drink, hang with my nephew, and beat the pants off my brother in golf, darts, cards, and any other game that poor bastard wants to come up with....
I love being the more talented one.
Too bad he makes all the money and gets all the girls.
Who'da thunk, golf doesn't get you chicks?

I have this reoccurring dream....

2005-06-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

At least, I think its been reocurring... It seems like its happened before, but i am not so sure now.This guy, whom i supposedly know, comes up to me with a... kind of deceitful look on his face... Its obvious he knows something i dont.
he looks me in the eye, smiles and asks "hey, is it cool if I hang out with {Ms. Right} this weekend?"
He asks as if I am dating her and we are committed. i guess. you see, my dreams arent particularly clear.
The first time, he asks, i say "sure" as if i am secure.
But the most recent dream, last night, he asks, I respond and he calls me out: "you are dating her, right?"
i lie and say "sure, um... we have plans... for....saturday, so you can hang out friday night."
Its totally bogus. i know that he is mocking me. I know they are having an affair, which isnt right, because i know she and I arent even together. Its like he is just enjoying my foolishness and is taking the opportunity to poke fun at me.
nevermind the logistics (e.g., where she lives, where i live, where this asshole live). Just thinking about the self destructive thought processes that go through my mind bothers me.
I wake up from this dream extremely disturbed. Its been nearly three weeks since i have spoken to her and at least two weeks since her last email. Any idiot can conclude that i am out of the picture. thats not whats a concern here.
What i cant figure out is the negative, self destructing thoughts that enter my unconscious and torture me.
I barely konw this girl. i only spent a few, brief hours with her. We spoke on the phone a few times, exchanged some emails, and thats it.
I am quite taken with her. she fits the mold. but the feelings are limited. They aren't real. its just attraction; interest.
But now I get angry and upset, even so much as bitching about a research article she wrote. Granted, the paper isn't substantial, but that doesnt mean i should hold it against her!
Its just immature and sad. Worst part: I am probably so out of her mind, she doesnt even realize that i am self destructing internally over her!
Such a shame. such a rediculous, foolish shame.
Id like to not have dreams like this anymore. but that isn't entirely in my control.

Country Music is the Catalyst of the Christian Revolution

2005-06-06T17:23:00.000-07:00

So I am not as familiar with country music as I was a few years ago when I lived in Kansas. I had no idea what I was getting into when I flipped on the stereo to give a country station a whirl (they only play about three songs per hour on the alt/rock station and that gets frustrating).

I have discovered this:
Country music has essentially three main themes which every song adheres to. They are, in random order: Partying, love, religion.
"Thats what I love about Sunday's" What do you think that song was about? "New believers bein' babtised" is a line from that one.
I heard three songs in a row that had "God" in them.
So I know the south is very religious compared with the rest of the country, but I am willing to bet as long as country music is still very popular (it is huge) the religious movement will continue to spread. Well, Bushy has something to do with that.
Talk about a stereotypical southern gentleman. That guy preaches wonderful and goodness and how wonderful and right we all are. Runs his business on the bottom line, with no regard for the welfare of the people affected by his decisions. He has two FUBAR daughters who are completely out of thier minds... Yep. Southern Gentleman.
Wait, this was about country music. Yeah. Sorry.

Some things I've learned

2005-06-04T06:36:00.000-07:00

Its not a good idea to xerox your hand giving the bird and leave a copy on the machine for your boss to find.

You know you drank too much last night when you shit twice in an hour.

Just because you want to eat that much pizza doesn't mean you can do it.

If a guy glues himself to your coworker from the start of the evening, hasn't left her side toward the end of the evening, and is drinking scotch and water, he's either going to ask her out, or throw up on her. I will let you know on Monday.

Eating three cupcakes back-to-back will put you in a coma. Eating four; you may not wake up.

RSS feeds are beyond me.

It doesn't matter how much money I spend on music. There will always be a dozen more bands that I want.

Three shits in an hour is a religious experience. At least it should be.

Most people don't find me as funny as I think I am.

Blogging does not get my work done any faster.

Six beers does not mean you can eat a whole pizza by yourself.

This photo says it all:

A Search For Simplicity

2005-06-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

I sit on the beach and watch the waves crashing against the shore. Time ticks by as another wave rolls up and breaks. Consistent. Timely.
Billions of tiny particles make up the beach. Each grain of sand, while simple, tangible, makes up a greater whole. Miles upon miles of grains of sand, comprising a movable earth. Kick it; piles move with each step. Sift through it and a few courageous grains cling to the folds of your skin.
Examine a tiny particle. Look at it. Its shape is apparent. Its color, its temperature, and texture; all are describable. But the beach itself is a complex, dynamic composite of these billions and billions of grains of sand. Humanity is much like this. Our lives, from an individual standpoint, or as a species is a composition of billions of singular entities.
How can life be simple? How can we manufacture a black and white out of countless shades and pigments?
All I want is a million dollars; then I will be happy.
If I could just get that movie role, that promotion, then I will be happy.
How can one grain, or a handful of grains for that matter, have any significance when compared to the dimension as a whole?
Is life just countless grains of sand? Can it really be defined by such limited factors?
Is life a composite of a multitude of insignificant details which, pooled together, become a beach? And isn't a beach actually quite simply on the surface?
All of those grains of sand actually work together to create a greater whole. The sum of the parts is actually a tangible, identifiable piece of real estate.
But life isn't just a composite.
I'm actually dizzy, trying to make sense of this, and I am finding myself more uncomfortable now, than 15 minutes ago when I started this blog.
Am I kidding myself to think that I can be happy if I just have the one thing that I think I want?
Will I be satisfied?
Will I survive the disatisfaction that will ultimately result if I do get it and then realize it won't satisfy my needs?
What then?
What comes next?
When does the want yeild to contentment?
*I titled this blog before writing it. I am pretty sure it has no significance at this time. So be it. Its time for a cup of chi.

We walk in the footsteps of legends

2005-05-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

Mark posted a blog recently regarding hero's. I think its a great post. We do need hero's. I'll let you read it rather than talking about it, as my focus isn't so much on the theme of his post but on what it and the movie "King Aurther" got me to think about.
Hero's, be they conventional, or fictional can hold a lot of weight and influence in our lives. Beyond it, though is the issue of fame, or infamy. Think about a movie star. Famous! We read magazine articles about them, books about them. We see photos, the movies themselves, etc. But, truth be told, most of them will outlive thier fame. They will exist in our time, possibly be regarding for years to come, but, I suspect that, in time, they will ultimately be forgotten. But history, fable, mythology, and fiction provide us with characters that live on, beyond the fifteen minutes of fame supposedly afforded to us all.
These are legends.
Kind Aurther is a legend; a legend based in reality. Aurther was a real man. Archeological evidence supports this. The man may not have been a great medeival king, or a Roman commander, etc. He may never have pulled the sword from the stone, or burial mound. We can't really prove or deny that. Who cares. The fact is, the legend lives on, 1000 or 1500 years later.
Imagine, for a moment, in your brief life, you accomplish something; something so great that stories are told about your actions for centuries after you die. Those stories are passed down from father to son, mother to daughter, wise old man to curious listener. You now live on, indefinately as a story of greatness. Perhaps the details of your accomplishments are lost along the way. Perhaps the stories of your actions become warped. So what?
I want to be a legend. I want to live on for centuris; after my bones have dissolved and my childrens' children have passed. I don't care to be famous in this time, but to exist in the minds of people centuries after my passing would be amazing and wonderful. Imagine for a moment, what greatness we are embrased in. Our lives are sculpted in the images of others. How much of our world exists because of the accomplishments of those who came before. We remember them. I hope we always remember them.

The Better of Two Ideas

2005-05-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

I have two things to discuss tonight, but they are totally unrelated. I am not sure whether or not to cover them both in separate posts or just go over one. Truth is, one is whiney and not worth publishing. But, as the self-centered, sandy vagina that I am, I should certainly press on with full speed!

First, the legitimate post. At least I can get that out of the way and feel semi-good about myself.

I was driving home from the gym (read:ice creamery) when I saw something sad and disturbing. I saw a man digging in the trash. When he stood up, I saw three styrofoam "doggy bag" containers in his hands.
I've written a recent post where I complained about a guy hitting me up for cash to get food and then denying my offer for a sandwich.
Truth is, there are a lot of buttholes out there who do beg for cash and are not altogether desperate for a meal. They seem to be much more aggressive than others. shameless, maybe.
Some guy gave me this wrap while holding a "Will work for food" sign: "Hey man, I got my wife and child sitting in a car over there. I am willing to work. I just need someone to give me a chance."
I told him I didn't have any work for him. So he hit me up for some cash. Of course he will settle for a handout... Yeah, I gave him some. two dollars! Now "I want my two dollars!" 10 points for that obscure movie reference.
I see the same guy that night, hitting me up for money. No wife, no child. I remind him of our conversation earlier that day. He walked away.

Last Sunday, I was at the local golf course practicing on a portion separate from the main course. Some guy comes down and gives me this sob story about getting stranded here from a town about a hundred miles north. His buddy left him with no wallet, ID, credit card, etc. after a fight. He just needs 17 dollars for a bus ride to someplace about 30 miles from his destination. I suspected something, but still, I can't deny someone asking me for money, when I honestly have more than I need to sustain myself. Honestly, I figure if this guy is so lazy, or just plain willing to surrender his dignity to beg, he needs the dollar or two more than me. Fortunately for me, I had no cash. Couldn't give him anything. He asks me to go to an ATM to withdraw some money for him. HA! Yeah, like I am that stupid. I'm gonna drive someplace and get you some cash. And then you rob me, or whatever. He did promise to send me the money plus 100% interest, but there was no way I was going to do this.
"Sorry," I said, "Can't help you."
He went on his way.
Five minutes later a course employee pulls up in a car and asks "Was he trying to get to Boaz?" or someplace
I tell him where he said. The employee then tells me the guy pulls this stunt every weekend. He hits up the same people with the same story. He doesn't even bother to remember who he asks!
I lose a little faith in my fellow man when things like that occur. It bothers me to think some people should be such shameless and sloppy crooks.
So now, I hold this negative impression, as do most of you, I'm sure.
But I saw this man gathering his dinner from a trash can and I couldn't help but feel awful for this man. He may beg. He may take the money and buy booze, or something worse, but to see someone struggling to survive, to have to feed on the discarded morsels of others is just heartbreaking. He may be sick, insane, brain damaged, or just out of luck. But the will to live is strong. It's painful to see human suffering, even if only for a second. Those images stick with you. They haunt you as you crawl into your bed, rest your head on a soft pillow, and perhaps snuggle up to a loved one. You close your eyes and see pain.
I will never forget my two years in Turkey. Turkey has many beggars. One man, would be carried out every morning to beg for the day and then returned home, or wherever each evening. He had no legs. He would crawl off his mat to gather cigarrette butts.
I saw a man in Birmingham collect cigarette butts off the street.
Images like that will stay with me for as long as I live. If they don't, I'm afraid I've lost my humanity.

Sunday

2005-05-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

Hey! Here is a picture from St. Patricks Day. Remember that post about that night? Well none of those chicks in the photo are the ones I made out with. The one in the middle was named Courtney. The other one, I cant remember. Katie or something. I don't remember her being that cute, though.

Writer's block?
Honestly, this is all I have. Maybe more later.

I'm opting for early retirement

2005-05-09T19:40:00.000-07:00

Holy crap am I overworked.
I cannot even begin to describe to you the amount of time and energy I have invested in my job in the last two weeks. But here goes a shot: last week I was at the office by 7:30 every morning, and left the office no later than 6:00. Friday I worked 7:15 to 7:00. By rough estimates, that was a 50+ hour week. I did that the week before, too. Its major project time and I am knee deep in it. But, alas, I do see light. Pretty soon it will be over. In the mean time, I have been seriously freaking out.
I am totally worried that this project is not worth a damn. I am so worried that certain components are too difficult, while others are too easy. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to let an idiot like me take on such a critical assignment?!
Why am I so hard on myself? Because if I slack off, I will screw it up and that would be bad. As long as I kick my own ass 24 hours a day, things should turn out ok. Or I will take a gun to my head. The latter would really suck cause I am kind of on a positive kick right now. I would hate to do something negative.
Anyway, check out thes pictures from my trip to L.A.

This was a rooftop bar downtown. Totally amazing view. And I don't mean the crotch shot somone took of my frank and beans

Back on line

2005-05-06T23:38:00.000-07:00

Its been a month, but I finally got my internet back and running. Its wonderful. I am so happy, I could kiss someone.... Or I will just write a blog.
A lot has happened in the last month so theoretically, I will post a lot regarding these events. Time shall tell.
Had a good time tonight. Made a new friend, a guy named Ryan. He is cool. We can chill, shoot the shit and talk about chicks. We met up with Mellissa at the "U" and had a few drinks. We both hit on a different waitress. No luck, but thats ok.
Tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby. I am going to a Derby party. That should be a blast. Coworkers, but hey, its beer and food and fun.
I am, again going broke, but maybe I can stop the bleeding before I have to call the parents and beg for some money.
I have missed blogging. Its kind of been a missing in my life for the last month. Have had no time to do so at work. Have been working my ass off for the last 6 weeks or so, except for the totally cool week I spent in Arizona and L.A.
Just for the record, I pulled two all-nighters that week. Friday I woke up at 6:30, passed out at 3:30 a.m. Woke up at 5:00 to catch a plane. Got to Arizona at 10:30 a.m. drank from 12:30 p.m. until 2:30 a.m. According to my watch that was 46 hours with a 2 hour-ish nap somewhere in there. Hard core!
The second all-nighter was not planned.
Friday night in L.A. I was feeling kind of worn out and funny. I planned on going back to my hotel room at 10:30 when Ms. Right found me. I managed to hang out with her for about an hour before I decided my scuba diving plans were more important. I was in bed by 11:45. I was out of bed at 12:45 with the shits. I was in and out of bed until 2:00 when I replaced the runs with vomiting (bear in mind I had 3 beers this night. It was not alcohol poisoning.). I finally fell asleep around 4 a.m.
I woke up at 5:30 to my 40 year old roommate coming in (read the previous post from April 25).
I figured this was as good a time as any to get up. I packed my scuba gear and headed out. I made two of the three dives despite my better judgments, and a wetsuit that was 2mm too thin for the water (56 degrees at best).
Then I had to hang out all night with Ms. Right before I finally called it a night at around 2:00 a.m. so I could catch my plane the next day at 1:00 p.m. Mind you, I ate next to nothing the entire day (and I mean nothing!!).
Other than that, it was a fun trip. I have some photos, but am too drunk to figure out how to post them. Stay tuned.
Oh yeah. I will have some more on Ms. Right as things progress, but I am a little paranoid so I don't know how much I will share. I don't want to jinx it!!!

Its coming. Its only a matter of time.

2005-05-06T05:58:00.000-07:00

Anyone read Atlas Shrugged? Its coming. Its only a matter of time. But, instead of being a socialist movement of extremes, its a religious movement. We will soon become a Christian nation. At first, it will simply be a polite urging of our "heretic" friends to convert, but, as time moves on and nitwits like Bush become more and more evangelical, we will, once again, have an extermination movement on our hands.
Here is just one sample of this impending disaster:
www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/05/05/AR2005050501927.html?referrer=emailarticle
Sorry, cant remember my code.

Obsessions

2005-04-30T11:14:00.000-07:00

So how neurotic am I? Lets take a quick look, shall we. Mothers day is coming up. I gotta get a card in the next day or two or its too late. Why? Because I cant stand to think that the lady behind the counter is thinking about how I am buying a mothers day card at the last minute! Figure that one out, Freud.

I got set up on this blind date last night. Actually, it was more of a blind get together. I felt so sorry for the girl. She had to meet me, my friend Liz and another friend of ours. Totally set up in this strange environment with all these strangers. Whats worse, I picked the bar because of a certain waitress whom I must harrass until she drops her boyfriend and goes out with me. Hey, shes super cute.
I got set up with this girl through a friend of Liz's whom I barely know. It was just one of those... I know someone you should meet type things. blonde, 5'10". Ok, I am interested. I can put aside my obsession over "K" for a while. Oh wait. I haven't mentioned her yet....

Anyway. This girl shows up... I'm not totally attracted to her. After all, I am distracted... Through the conversation, she provides me with a key piece of information no one botherd to give me before.... She has a SIX YEAR OLD!!!
What a bombshell! And I dont mean the blonde.
How do you blindside someone like that? Moreover, how do you set your poor friend up with a guy not knowing how he will react to that bit of information?!
Oh, and how do these people keep finding me?!!!

I am a wierd magnet. Thats all I gotta say.

Dirty Secrets

2005-04-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah, ten days of awesome and I am going to drop this post.... Sorry guys. I will have ALL the outstanding, sordid details of my trip shortly. Internet is still poops. I do have some bitchin' pictures.

Scuba diving was FREEZING. Details to come. For now, here is a lifes lesson.

I was talking to someone the other night. He said something rather disturbing to me which initially just shrugged off. But the next morning, I started to think about his statement much more deeply. It became apparent to me that he just didn’t get it. He has no idea where his priorities. You will laugh as you read this because I am about to advocate things no normal, red-blooded man in his mid-twenties would ever support. Alas, I am hardly normal.

So this is what he said. Remember to read this in the context of a few conversations regarding women and being single, married and living vicariously.

“I have been *#*#!ing the same woman for 20 years.”

Of course, at first I was repulsed by this statement. He is a disgusting man. He operates purely on lust and libido. He made this comment specifically to emphasize the point that he does not have the luxury of variety. He cannot try out new women. Gross. His poor wife, yes.

But I started to think about what he said. I eventually came to the conclusion that we should all be so lucky.
I have realized some things about sex. Its great. Its fun. But.

There are a lot of “buts.”
Primarily, its temporary. How long does sex last? Ten minutes? Two hours? TEN HOURS? Right. After that is the afterglow. Again, temporary. The minute sex is over, the body is instantly building back up its desire for more. Just like energy, a ball has lots of potential energy before it falls. As soon as it stops moving, its kinetic energy is exhausted, but its potential energy? Right back up there. The only thing lasting is the bond between two people who love each other who share this act. Ah, but I am jumping ahead.

The second but: Its quality depends on so many variables. How many people have had sex with a casual acquaintance? How about someone you were not in love with? Is it as fulfilling? Compare that to sex with a lover. Much much different, isn’t it? Sure, the lover may not move like Trixie the stripper, but you aren’t repulsed at the idea of holding her and staring deeply into her eyes afterward?

Where am I going with all of this?

This man, this icky, sleazy man, guided by a need for sexual gratification has missed the forest for the trees. He doesn’t even recognize that no matter how many women he screws in the next five minutes, or next five years, it won’t hold a torch to the beauty and magic that is his relationship with his wife. Or it shouldn’t. Of course, lets bear in mind, I am the stupid twenty-something who has not been married. What do I know?

Im still alive.....

2005-04-11T08:36:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since I posted. Sorry for that. My internet is down and I am worried about doing this at work.

Anyway, greetings from Arizona! Ahhhhhh. Its totally beautiful. I am loving the weather. I play golf this afternoon. Super pumped about that. even met up with that girl from thanksgiving. Did I mention her? Oops. Shes a chick i met in AZ.

Headed to LA on Wednesday. YEAH! I am so awesome. Going to a conference... GOing to see some movie stars.... GOnna get discovered by an agent....
Yeah. Its tough to be this good looking and not get discovered.....

I will do my best to secure some pictures from my trip. I gotta get memory for my camera.

St. Patricks Day

2005-03-21T19:54:00.000-08:00

Went out for St. Patties. It was fun. Met some random people, chick named Courtney, listened to my favorite cover band, Lynam (this picture is actually from New Years eve), and made out with some random chick.
All that and I made it home by midnight. Cool.
Sometimes, something happens and I am cool, confident, and charismatic. When that happens, good things happen. Now if I could just bottle it...

Oh yeah. How awful is that picture? I look like a drunken retard in need of a haircut! Shame...

Why Freedom Can be a Four-Letter Word

2005-03-14T18:47:00.000-08:00

I think America is facing a major dilemna. I think that our free-market, free speech, freedom of travel, freedom to spit off the empire states building have led to a few major problems within our society.
Though I am quite happy with the rights given to me by virtue of my birth, I do think we are suffering a few consequences. Perhaps I should get to the point.
No. First, more circling the block.
Maybe we aren't dumber than our parents. Maybe we aren't more gullible. But it seems like we are. Perhaps its just that our stupid elite (oxymoron?) have just become more outspoken. That may be so. Fifty years ago, there wasn't nearly as much opportunity for some slack jawed yokel or some wannabe gang banger to step in front of a camera and spew out a continuous stream of stupidity for the rest of us to suffer through. Thank you, Mr. Springer.

Actually, this is where I am going. We have the freedom of information act, and the free market, and free speech. All of this provides us with...... 10-15 channels of news. Every network has several news broadcasts per day as well as a news channel (CNBC, Fox News, etc.). This has produced an intense amount of competition for story coverage. Combine this with what the public demonstrates an interest in (scandal, celebrities, celebrity scandal) and you have a serious lack of quality news broadcasting. I don't think we get all of the facts. The facts aren't typically very interesting. But a great angle? Thats juicy!
To shift gears momentarily. Wait- Under the Bridge just came on. I don't like this song anymore.... Much better. Some eighties band.
I think there is real symmetry between the media problem and politics. Think about the job of a politician. Support or condemn. Market or destroy. There is no grey, typically.
Take the Social Security plan, or the ~~War~~ grudge match in Iraq, or any other issue that has the senate and house divided.
On one hand, this issue or that issue is wonderful. "Its going to revolutionize (insert relevant group, topic here) and how that effects our (insert domestic issue) and make every (insert people of a nation) better off." Take that statement, add your details and you have a political remark made by a politician.
Meanwhile, there is another politician explaining to his audience how this particular action/proposal/plan is going to ultimately lead to the end of life as we know it. Armageddon because of an increase in minimum wage.
Consequently, you get only half the story. Combine this with a bias news network and Americans that choose to take sides and allow others to make their decisions for them and you have a real disaster on your hands.
Think about it... How many friends, or family members, or associates do you have who are die-hard republicans or democrats? Do they analyze the issue from all angles? Or do they paraphrase the latest report from Fox or CNN? How often to we as an average people (not you, Mark. You F*&King knowitall!) actually open book, newspaper, press release or legal document and look at the details for ourselves before jumping to a conclusion regarding the actions of our policy makers?
Take the social security thing...
Is it headed for chaos? Is it ok? Is it a liberal/socialist effort to lead us to communism? Is it an affront on our rights? Is it a protective effort because we are a society of stupids? Or is it obsolete because of economy protecting measures?
I honestly don't know.
I cannot tell you the answer to any of those questions. I have heard it will stay afloat. I have heard it will crash.
I don't know and I don't know very many of you out there who do either. Why? Because NONE of us have seen the numbers? How much is paid in monthly? How much is paid out monthly (across the nation). How much is projected next month? How much next year? How much in 2020? How much does the balance make in interest monthly? How much will it make? Ok. I think you get the point. Until one of us gets an accounting balance sheet, and some legitimate, unbiased estimates of future economic direction, I don't forsee any of us making the call anytime soon.
Of course, those that do have that information, cannot even agree. We get reports going both ways? Who is right?
Would the news have anything to report is Social Security was ok? No. hmmmmmmm.
If you have nothing to report, will people watch your reporter sitting at a desk picking his nose? No. How often is scandal manufactured?
How often to politicians make big something minor? Isn't it effective though? Let me take a major stand on this issue, blow it out of proportion and get people divided on it. Theoretically, I can gain support from my died in the wool supporters, and gain some who agree with my platform. Now I have an issue that will generate votes. I am one step closer to reelection.
I was running the other day (from the police) and was watching a news report on actions in Congress regarding minimum wage. The report was clearly biased, though, I am inclined to support the reporters personal view. The report essentially played both major parties as overpayed scoundrels who want to appear supportive of an increase, but don't want to actually do it. Both sides came up with plans to increase minimum wage, but supposedly made the plans so right or left winged and full of parameters that virually guaranteed they would never pass.
Excellent strategy. Draw up a plan, stand behind it, support it, and allow it to die honorably in a split vote. "I'm the good-guy."
Well, I hate to think that we live in a country with 130+ billionaires and we can't pay some poor man or woman more than about ten grand a year (5.15/40 hrs) to bust their ass. But again, I don't know all of the facts. Is a $1 increase going to cripple small businesses that cannot fund the increase. I mean, are shoddy businesses like Radio Shack going to have to resort to fourth rate psuedocelebrities to incessently market their crap? Total cheap shot. Sorry Mark, Mike.
Lets face it. Radio shack can hardly afford to pay for 150 commercials per day on the average cable plan as it is. Make them pay their employees a little more, and my stock is going to go down a quarter of a point!
I digress. The truth is, I don't know what effects that wage increase might have. I cannot be certain that our economy can support it. I hadly believe it can't. But I don't know.
I wonder if I could even find out. Getting back to my main point (its here between the dirty underwear and pit-stained tee shirt), we are not given the full unbiased story by the media. Nor do we get a fair and unbiased assessment from our law makers. This is an unfortunate side effect of our freedom society. And I believe it ultimately leads to our continued ignorance. Feed me the answers! That way I can get fat off your knowledge, blood sweat and tears. Just cut off a slice of yummy delicious fat whenever you need it. America is happy to oblige. Hell! We will vote for anyone that might make us feel closer to heaven, or closer to getting laid!

A Letter to My Apartment Manager

2005-03-08T05:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I came home to an interesting surprise in my bedroom. Read below, then see the pictures. If I can figure it out, I will show the video we shot. It speaks volumes.

"Attention Stonemark/Highlands Management:

This is my informal complaint regarding the ongoing maintenance issue in my apartment (Carlisle Terrace #35). You will recieve a formal complaint shortly by mail.
I did, however want to send this along with two photos of the issue in question. I have a digital video of the issue as well and, should I feel fit, I will include that in a later email.
This problem has persisted for several months now. The issue was addressed a few times prior to my resigning my lease (August 2 2004), and at one point in time was supposedly resolved. Unfortunately, the patch in the ceiling and inspection by a professional did not yeild a satisfactory solution.
I have been very patient with this issue; probably to a fault. It may have been wise for me to send this letter months ago when I originally left an agitated message at the management office late last fall. I should have called after the last rain. I didnt. I apologize for my inaction. I guess I simply assumed that this would have been of greater priority to the maintenance, management, and owners of this building.
At this point in time, the floor is likely ruined. I cannot keep the splatter from covering the floor. I am more worried about the weight and stress on the ceiling. I don't know if the water entering the building is of a greater rate than the water leaking through the hole. But, I suspect that left untreated, and with another heavy rain, the ceiling will eventually cave in leaving a measurable gaping hole and possibly more exposure to the elements.
I don't think I need to point out just how concerned this makes me. This leak is in my bedroom. At this point in time, losing sleep is not so much a concern as losing some of my possessions. I am taking steps to move some items out of the room, but I honestly think this is totally unreasonable. I should not be expected to take these measures.
It is the responsibility of the lessor to maintain the building. This is a fundamental part of the lessor-lessee contract. Moreover, it should be in the best interest of concerned parties (e.g., the owners) to ensure that their investment is not damaged or rendered unlivable.
Maybe this wasn't a priority. Perhaps I did not pressure management enough. For this, I apologize, but since receiving a phone call regarding the repair of the roof several months ago (the exact date is recorded at my office and will be included in the formal letter of complaint) there have been numerous days that could have been appropriated for the roof repair. I was told that the air temperature had to increase before these repairs could occur. I am not a roofer. I do not know the nature of the materials used in roof repar. I cannot say that this could have been solved already with any authority. But I do know that this problem has gotten out of hand. Way, out of hand.
I will not tolerate this inaction any longer. I will hold this organization responsible for any damage to my property, and I will consider the leasing agreement to be null should this problem not be solved as soon as possible. I do not think this is unreasonable. I think I have been very patient with this matter but enough is enough.
I will be out of the office for the next two days and thus will not be able to respond to any calls to my office number. I do have a cell phone (omitted)which I will answer or return any calls on this matter as soon as possible."

These are clever

2005-03-04T17:25:00.000-08:00

I will totally come up with something for next year.

The /Washington Post's /Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. _Intaxication_: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
2. _Reintarnation_: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
3. _Bozone_ (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.
4. _Foreploy_: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.
5. _Cashtration _(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. _Giraffiti_: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. _Sarchasm_: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
8. _Inoculatte_: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. _Hipatitis_: Terminal coolness.
10. _Osteopornosis_: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. _Karmageddon_: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
12. _Decafalon _(n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
13. _Glibido_: All talk and no action.
14._ Dopeler effect_: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
15. _Arachnoleptic fit_ (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16._ Beelzebug_ (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. _Caterpallor_ (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
18. _Ignoranus_: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Scrubs

2005-03-02T17:35:00.000-08:00

I just watched last nights episode of Scrubs. I must say this is the single greatest sitcom on television. It is so funny, yet, it deals with real-world issues and draws ones simpaythy legitimately.
I say this because, unlike other sitcoms, its much more believable. The characters are genuine, in a comical sort of way. They have clear flaws. I dare you to find that in another show. All of the other sitcoms are superficial and hardly appreciable.
All sitcoms seem to try and incorporate humor with real-world issues and difficulty. But the fantasy world of other sitcom characters are so limited in the challenges they face. Take crap like Full House. A pathetic attempt to gain audience love by focusing on children. The children are the ones learning the real-world lessons. Stephanie is not allowed to get earings. She does anyway and her ears get infected. Scary for her for the length of a commercial break, then she confesses, goes to the doctor and gets some neosporin or something.
That sucks. It sucks a big ole' walrus penis. For those of you unaware, the walrus has the second largest penis of all mammals. I have the first. - can anyone guess that obscure movie line? 2 pts.
Scrubs is different. The people fuck-up and when they do, they pay the price. Sure, many things are totally fiction and would never happen, but thats the comic element.
In this episode the main character, J.D. is frustrated with his new main squeeze. Together for a month, they haven't slept together. To make matters worse, Heather Graham (a guest star) returns to tempt J.D. Having been fond of her in earlier episodes, he finds himself horny and interested in pursuing a fling with her on the side. He blows off his girl and gets drunk with Graham. Then occurs the defining moment.... Make the move and have a rauccious night with Graham. Of course, at this time, the directors influence really makes the show brilliant. the viewer is given a fast forward version of how the night will end if J.D. makes the move (they have a wild night). But, just as the viewer is finding him/herself horrified at this action, we return to the present and J.D. chooses another route. He leaves, and runs straight to his girl. Good move. This is what we want.
Once there, things go great (sex is imminent) then J.D. pulls a "Courtney." He says the WRONG thing at the WORST possible moment. "And Kylie you're right it is fate. Cause i was out with this girl tonight that I totally could have had sex with, but it was easy for me to blow her off because I was excited to be with you."
Voice-over "I was in trouble and I knew I had to play my cards right." Video goes into fast forward. Scene shows a fight breaking out lasting several moments, J.D. leaving, his gril slamming the door, crying, J.D. returning home to call and leave message after message before crashing on the couch. Return to real time: That is exactly how things went.
The show ends on a sour note. How often does that happen? NEVER on any other show.
To make things more impressive, there are several parallel themes among several characters. J.D.'s best friend messes up with the wife trying to maintain a friendship with an ex-girlfriend (pads the ego). He wants his cake and to eat it too. Suffice it to say, that blows up.
In the end, everyone is just a little sad, though, perhaps a little wiser.
Thats real life. Harsh lessons. Real consequences for ones actions that last beyond the commercial break.

A quick note

2005-03-02T10:48:00.000-08:00

i been super busy lately, To busy to tuch on my blog? Sory four that...
but I lookt at my traffic and its looking like a lot of people are stoping by. thats grate. So i, think you guys shuld chek out my quiz. its on tha side bar. and if that isnt interesting enuf.See how many spelling//gramatical/moronic/errors u can find in this breef paragraf. !English is fun!

I'm Prettier than Most of Them

2005-02-27T17:09:00.000-08:00

I think a lot about the people in my world. The strangers. People I don't actually know but run into frequently.
The gym. Lot's of people I see everyday there. Like the tiny girl. Tiny is an understatement. She can't be more than 90 lbs., 4 foot nothin'. Tiny little girl pumping weights like she weighs 200 lbs. and benches twice that. I gotta wonder if she wouldn't struggle in a heavy wind. Say, 20 knots.
There's the buff dude. Wife beater, black windbreakers and an orange baseball cap every day. every day. I'm curious to know if he wears the same wife beater, or has a stack of them. I don't mean to profile, but its clear he's a tool. You can just tell. He probably has neon and 20 inch rims on his car.
I like the instructors. They are a trip. Every one of them, energetic, cheering people on. Nobody reacts hardly when they ask for participation. "Are you guys feeling it?" silence.... "All right then! Keep it up!"
Sometimes I wonder, are they optimistic, or really, really stupid?
There is this one aerobics instructor. I have never attended his class, but I can hear him through the walls while I run, or bike, or whatever. He has this high pitched voice "C'mon!!!!" As he goes totally balls to the wall. His favorite song is "Its raining men." No stereotypes being met there...
Then, there are the fatties. You know who you are... Your are fifty, your doctor warned you that you won't see 60 so you start working out. Five minutes on the treadmill and "phew." I need those people in the gym, though. Total inspiration. Totally makes me want to keep working out.
There are a couple of old dudes there too. Really old duded. Like, their skin is saggy and drags behind them in a puddle of sloppy, stretchy goo that gets caught on the equipment sometimes. Seriously, these guys are all withered and totally atrophied. They have, like no muscles, no shape other than bones. Their knees look like a fat persons chins. Just folds of that skin flowing down thier legs like chilled brownie batter.
It reminds me of the movie "Big Daddy" when Adam Sandler gets dropped for the old guy with the five year plan. He starts talking about the old guys old, wrinkly balls. EEEWUUUWWW....

This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy...

2005-02-23T19:03:00.000-08:00

Maybe we're all just a little crazy.
Sometimes I think of some seriously disturbing things. It doesn't mean I will do it. I would never tie someone up, strap a fake bomb to their head just to see if they would soil themselves as the timer neared zero.
The other day I was thinking maybe I would kill some stranger, stuff 'em into a couple of suitcases, check one, and take the other as my carry-on luggage. Imagine that going through the x-ray.
Maybe give the corpse a chance to see some place new. I suppose I could ask the person where he/she would like to go to visit. Maybe he has family in northeast. I could help him visit them.
Ok, thats scary. Pretty sure I took that a little far. Maybe I should just torture little dogs. Stick 'em high on an entertainment center. Or in a trash can filled with just enough water that the dog can't stand up (props to you, Mark). I suppose I could be really cruel and get drunk, puke on my dog and leave it unwashed for a week or two.
Or just give the dog an awful haircut and parade it around at the dog park in front of all the other dogs who can then laugh and point.
Ok. I don't actually have a dog, so don't go calling the police or anything. Also, none of my luggage is big enough to carry a 220 lbs. man chopped into 18" X 11" portions and grilled over some woodchips soaked in wine.
I guess what I am getting at is there are a lot of crazies out there. Some do some pretty disturbing stuff. Others just write about it. Then they sell the ideas in novels or movie scripts and make a mint off their evil imaginations.
When it comes to creativity, I manage to demonstrate the occasional idea worth publishing, but it isn't by any means enough to consider a new career.
Too bad, it would be cool to screen one of those adorable Olson twins in a feature.
Actually, since they always work together, I could cast them as the victims. Perhaps the assailant kills both of them. Cuts them apart at the limbs and reassembles them with a mix and match. Or, make a "super Olson" out of the parts. One that is more annoying and less talented than the two could ever be apart. That would have to be worth a billion dollars. Sure, its only one doll, but you could charge three times as much per doll. And since there are all those extra parts, the clothes and accessories would have to be custom. Mattel could make a fortune on the Super Olson.
Ok, so these are pretty sick and twisted thoughts. But, truth be told, I hesitate to share with you what is really creeping inside my head. However, as I am prone to insensitivity and figure a few months in the loony bin might be a cool vacation, I will share. Read on and be disturbed:

Britney Spears continues to get press coverage for her shameless efforts to become the whit-trash darling of America

Paris Hilton gets bored with the "accidental release of sex tapes and phone numbers and start visiting private homes to provide people with a first-hand look at her antics

The simple life get ANOTHER season

I will actually figure out what I want to do with my life

In a race to destroy our society, all of the networks abandone news, sitcoms, and talk shows to concentrate on provide more reality tv.

Through powers gained in the pandemonium after 9-11, G W extends the number of consecutive terms in office to 4, and continues to get re-elected

"The Donald" buys half the United States and implements a "classy change of decor"

My ex-girlfriend will show up at my door one night and want to get back together (You heard me. Downright frightening.)

Hip-hop becomes the official music of America

Sean, P-diddy, puff daddy, pd, whatever, Combs, Snoop Dogg, and Ludacris form a political party called the "Ghettophiles" and make a succesful run at congress. Their first move is to pass a bill making gold teef mandatory.

I will wake up one morning and not have any excuse to be miserable. This will, in turn, send me into a deep depression from which I will emerge as a deeply religious yet troubled man. I will then discover my powers of influence, and start a cult. Rather than commit suicide, we will purchase respirators, hire a custodian and send ourselves into permanant and irreversible comas believing this is the way to heaven.

Blogs will replace reality tv and I will have thousands of idiots telling me how to live my life without paying any attention to the details of my posts.

More than ten people could actually want to read my posts rather than mistakenly stumble upon them

Chocolate could be made illegal under a strict new anti-drug law

The U.S. could declare a war on drugs and spend trillions of dollars trying to stop the flood of illegal narcotics thus driving up the prices and forcing lots of worthless people to steal and commit murder in order to acquire the money necessary to feed thier habit. Wait...this one isn't a dream

Vin Diesel will win an academy award for his portrayal of a quiet, unassuming middle manager of a major corporation who learns the real meaning of love when he befriends a 12 year-old clairvoyant boy named Phillip and they solve mysteries together.

NBC's Scrubs will be canceled and the show will never be sindicated

Someday, it will again "be hip to be square."

Aliens will come to earth and agree that I am not cool enough to be abducted

Time will suddenly stand still a few days before my coworkers wedding and I will be subjugated to endless days of her reminding everyone to "book a hotel in Mobile" or "we hope you can come." Ultimately, this means that if she never gets married, she can never get pregnant, will never have a child, and therefore, will NEVER quit!

The Olson Twins will bust onto the music scene with a metal album and team up with Metallica to form the ultimate superband (sellouts).

Disco wil return. Actually this is, if I am not mistaken, one of the twelve signs of the apocolypse. Hmmm... Floods, earthquakes, Locusts, Britney married, disco... yep. Its number five.

Notorius BIG and Tupac will never stop releasing albums from previously undiscovered recordings and people will continue to regard them as "talented"

I'm bored with this list. Why don't all of you pathetic minions try to entertain me with your feeble attempts to match my psychotic genius. Perhaps if you dedicate the next few weeks to research and imagination, you can come up with something that won't be so pathetic that I should be forced to strike it from my page and banish you forever to a world without the pleasure of reading my blog. If, somehow, you can come up with something that might elicit the slightest evil grin upon my face, I may not be driven to call upon Phillip to tell me your deepest secrets, which I will use to punish you for years to come.

No title applies

2005-02-22T10:09:00.000-08:00

If you are unfamiliar with this, as you may be if not from the Pensacola area, you should definately read up on the sinking of the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Oriskany.

Pensacola was hit pretty hard by the hurricane last fall and it has had quite an impact. I was there this weekend and saw the remains of the damage (several months later, mind you). There are mounds of sand twenty feet high on the beach. Houses that are nearly spotless have been condemned due to mold and water damage. Its terrible. Absolutely terrible what can happen so quickly.
Seeing the destruction led to a conversation with Laura about the resiliance of the huMAN race.
We can take a beating and come back. Our lives are tossed about, scratched, torn, beaten and bruised, yet we bounce back, and recover.
A better example is the survivors of the Tsunami. How many hundred thousand were killed? Yet, people continue to live. They continue to eat, sleep, share and appreciate. They will build, bury, and begin anew.
I guess it just isn't a question of giving up. Some do. Some let the pain take them away. But most fight. Most of us don't let things defeat them so easily.
It really puts things into perspective if you ever feel sorry for yourself.
Whenever something shitty happens to me, I typically get pretty bent out of shape. I brood on it, I get depressed, sometimes I withdraw from society for a while. Or, I immerse myself in distractions.
My step-mom has cancer.
My buddy just got a divorce.
My friend quit her job and hasn't found a new one.
My neighbors best friend is dating his ex-girlfriend.
My other neighbor go caught trying to get with another girl and lost his long time girl (ok. He is a bastard and deserves his punishment).

Lots of people are going through tough stuff everyday.
What if my step-mother just rolled over and waited for the cancer to ravage her body?
What if she decided she wouldn't fight, she wouldn't strive to beat this? She has every right to let go. This could kill her. It could move, it could multiply, you name it.
But she isn't worried. At least not noticeably. She isn't admitting fear or defeat. That attitude is really impressive and inspiring.
Mike isn't giving up. Though I don't blame him for being a little gunshy, I have to give him credit for already getting back in the saddle. He will meet many more women in his life. Some day, he will meet the right one.
Sara isn't worried. She will take this time off to relax and catch a small taste of the freedom that is unemployment. Then she will find a cool job and a new " 'boy " to make her go crazy.
As for the others. We shall see.
At any rate. I am eagerly anticipating the sinking of this great ship. The activity it will generate will certainly benefit the little gulf coast town and help it in its long-term recover. But most importantly, it will be a great opportunity for me to go "unda tha sea!"

Its like radar or something

2005-02-22T05:30:00.000-08:00

I wrote the following late Saturday night. Looking back over it now, much of the stress seems to have faded. But, I decided to post it anyway.

I decided I needed a change of venue. Some sort of pseudo-vacation or escape from the monotony, or safety of my apartment. I’ve been hiding out in my apartment for the last few months, making no effort to socialize or mingle or anything. Part of it has to do with some purchases I have made recently that have strapped my cash flow and forced me to justify the recluse behavior. Most of it is just a steady decline of my belief that I may actually develop some kind of social network in Birmingham.
Well, because I scored a ride, and at the urging of some dear friends, I made the trek to Pensacola for the three-day Presidents day weekend. Yeah. Government jobs kick ass.
Its been a wonderful experience thus far. An opportunity to bond with friends and have some fun again. Some real fun.
Everything has been wonderful so far but tonight something happened I did not expect and don’t entirely know how to deal with. Elise called. To provide a little background, she and I dated in Pensacola and broke up shortly after my move. Its been a long while since I have thought about her, though last Saturday I did dedicate a good hour to internal dialogue, going over some nonsense and unresolved issues.
But she called and it became a total distraction for the rest of the night. So much that I am writing this and likely to save it in a Word file to post Monday when I return to B’ham.
Of all the days in the world she might have called, why tonight. Why, when I am in Pensacola. All the months that have gone by. So typical. These are the things that make people suffer. Ever seen Swingers? Remember the penultimate scene where the ex calls right after our hero marks the calendar for the day to call Heather Graham? Kind of like that, only he blew her off. He chose wisely.
I cut the conversation short. A wise move, but now I am struggling with the notion of calling her back. It’s a bad idea, but so much of me still wants to chat with her. I want to know how she is. I want to know what she is doing.
Did she get into nursing school?
Does she still live in P’cola?
Does she know I am in town?
Is she dating anyone?
Did she stick to her words and stay single for a while, or did she jump into a new relationship with some piece of shit like she was dating before we met?
That last question is the most important one. There is nothing more violating than realizing someone you care deeply for has cheated on you. She didn’t, as far as I know.
But a close second is wondering if that person was straight with you.
Did she mean all of that cliché she spouted over the phone, and in emails?
Was she really recognizing her need to strive for independence and maturity? Or was I deceived.
Losing trust is pain.
Doubting someones integrity opens the door to conspiracy and imagination that will utterly warp ones perspective.
I cannot begin to describe the scenarios that entered into my mind during the weeks that followed our breakup.
She said she had just eaten at the same restaurant where we had our first date and that reminded her of me.
Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
I don’t need that. I don’t want to know that. I don’t want to return to that. I don’t want to go through that hurt.
I am optimistic to a fault. Rather, I am imaginative. My mind, though probably just like yours, is rarely fully within my control. I say this admitting that I allow myself to believe in things that are foolish, or at the very least fictional.
I held onto the belief that I could have her back for a long time. Even before we broke up, when I knew the relationship was reaching its finale, I fantasized and created an impossible “better.”
I know I could never be happy with her. I strive for stability; for simple, comfort. I want boring. I want to be adored, and to adore. I want to deal with the problems that are inevitable because two people simply cannot coexist without conflict and complications. But I don’t want a chaotic relationship where chaos is manufactured by one party because that is the only way that individual can cope.
Again, I may be imagining this. But I developed some theories about this girl. One of the things my psychological training has led me to believe is that she very likely cannot function in a simple, calm and boring relationship; that she actually thrives in the chaos and in the constant belief that at any moment, the whole thing can disentigrate. I honestly believe, this is what she has come to expect and need based on the example her parent provide. Growing up under their house has taught her that passion can only exist in conflict.
Maybe this is wrong. Who cares? She is out of my life.
But she isn’t.
She stepped right back in.
A stronger man would cut the cancer out and throw it on the table (talk about clichés). A stronger man would commit himself to letting it go. Chalk it up to a little bump in the road that may keep him for a few minutes, but won’t lead him to do things that will spur a chain reaction of sorts.
If I call her tomorrow, I am going to want some answers. Answers to the questions above. I will, undoubtably, let her know that I am in town. I will probably then ask if she wants to go to lunch or something. This only produces fear. What if she turns me down. How is that going to feel. What if she says “yes.” What kind of damage will that cause? How can I see her and interact with her without all of those feelings showing back up? I know they will. Its obvious, the Piaget concept of “out of sight, out of mind” is indeed applicable to a variety of situations. Not just infants. Though our past never fully escapes us, we are, as I told Laura earlier, a very adaptable species. We do not fold under pressure, die when faced with adversity. We adapt, and adjust and find a way to continue, modified by the tragedies or challenges.
But it is clear. I am not yet over her. Not completely. There exist still, some feelings. Some urgings. They will probably remain for a while yet. At least until I meet someone new.
But I don’t want to strengthen those feelings. I don’t want to retard the healing process. But I am not in control. My heart is. Its totally irrational, totally unwilling to listen to reason. Until it is satisfied, free of its objective, it will handicap my thinking, my actions, and my fate.

p.s. I totally glazed over what she said on the phone "I tried to call your home phone but it was disconnected." Obvously this means she didn't know I was in Pensacola.

Another Guest Blogger

2005-02-15T11:05:00.000-08:00

Sihar, the Overworked Prostitute!

As you can see, she is quite busy at the moment... Yep, no rest for that hard working woman. Quite an entrepeneur. Thus, this address will be brief.

Hey-jo. I am Sihar, and I am so happy to be speaking at you. I half served many men in my life. Doctores, lawjers, mechaniks... and a psychologist...
I wan to talk about many different things wit chew all.
Today, I only say these: A condom has many chuses. they kan carry watur for a bath, or tea. Yoos theem for float. They are also wonderful for suasage! MMMMM Jes, I use condoms to make a sausage a tasty treat! Buy th condoms for sausage and th lady in jour life will be vedy happy!

To the Girl in the Red Coat

2005-02-13T10:33:00.000-08:00

I watched you as you crossed the street in front of my car.
Tall and elegant, you stroke past looking straight ahead, never catching my stare.
You crossed one street and then another.
I drove away. On with my life. You with yours.
But, I wonder who you are. where were you going?
What if I had stopped to talk to you? What would I say?
Would you give me your name?
Would you laugh as I stumbled over my words?
Would you step back, afraid of a stranger approaching you on the street?
Would you think me odd to talk to you? Threatening?
If you did entertain me, who are you?
Do you live here?
Are you lonely like me? Looking for someone to share your life with? Your thoughts, your fears, your imagination?
Are you kind, and gentle as I wish you to be? Or are you cold and selfish?
How long would you talk to me?

What if I had stopped?

Blogger buddies

2005-02-13T08:53:00.000-08:00

I have some friends with new blogs. I think you should go check them out. Mike's is poignant and disclosing. And he has some seriously funny stuff show up on occasion.

Laura's is brand new, and she is just now starting to feel comfortable allowing readers to enter her world. Also, she is on a mission. She is working on establishing a local Stitch 'n' Bitch club in Pensacola. So, if you are in the area, you should really inquire about the group.

Just in case you didn't get the links above; here they are:
Blog This: www.madmikeking.blogspot.com
P'cola Craft Shack:
http://www.craftshack.blogspot.com

A Message from Guy with a Squid

2005-02-11T11:33:00.000-08:00

Here's what I know:
Sandwiches need something inside 'em. That makes 'em tasty.

If you go to a farm and piss on a cow. Its a good idea to look for an electric wire first.

Television isn't your friend. Sure, its always there to keep you company, entertain you. But what about when you need a ride home from the bar. The bastard won't even pick up the phone when I call.

Oh yeah. One more thing. For all you perverts out there who need to catch up on your physics homework. Here is a bitchin' site for you:

Britney Spears' Guide to Semiconductor Physics

Guess shes pretty smart afterall.

Scary thoughts

2005-02-07T18:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when I am walking down the street, I look around a corner and wonder what it would be like if I were to step out into the street just as a car is coming up and take the hit. I don't know why. People don't live after getting hit by a car. And if they do, there is a lot of pain and suffering invovled. Brain damage, broken limbs, internal bleeding. What a mess. I don't know.
I don't know why I even think about it. Its not that I want to get hurt, I don't know. Maybe I sort of want the time off from work or something. Totally strange and certainly a risky way to try to get out of work.
Creepy.
Maybe I have some kind of intense death wish.
Kind of messed up, huh?

Guest blogger

2005-02-05T11:54:00.000-08:00

Guy with a squid says:

"Chicks who eat plankton are all right with me!"

Regarding my last post....

2005-02-03T05:15:00.000-08:00

You people all suck. Hurt my feelings.

Put this on your page

2005-01-29T21:29:00.000-08:00

Ok, its just a first effort. But I think its a cool first try. If you have a blog, and you like mine, it may be a cool feature to add this button for a link.
Just copy and paste this into your template wherever your links are.

I cant type instructions for the posting of this button. Stupid limitations of my knowledges of html and blogger. Call a friend or send me a request and I will send the code via email.
By the way, dont forget to read my previous blog too. It was posted earlier today.

On Finding Your Nitch

2005-01-29T07:14:00.000-08:00

So I was thinking... When NetFlix first started out, I bet it was probably a 20 hour a week deal for like, two people. You know, they probably got a loan, or some investors together, bought a slew of DVD's and some advertising space. Then, they just crossed their fingers... Pretty soon, some random person signs up, then another, then another. Maybe one of 'em had to quit their day job to keep up with the demand. But who cares, money was pouring in, right?
So I need to find my gig. There are a million ways to make a million bucks in this world. I am creative. Why can't I come up with one? I have no idea what society wants or needs or is willing to blow a small, medium or large portion of their disposable incomes on that I can supply for a fat profit. Something, anything at all. Something that can start out small, just a little work each evening, like the time I should be spending on my stock portfolio (which is non-existent because I don't spend anytime on it).
I have managed to save a few bucks despite my wicked spending habits, and I need to start investing so that I can retire someday and buy my catamaran and sail the carribean.
I look at commercials for "the apprentice," or I think about those "dot com-ers" or my brother pulling twelve hour days and I think "those are the people who will make all the money."
Meanwhile, I come home after the gym (I am getting buff by the way. ladies, watch out) and watch tv or play video games all evening. Where is my motivation? Is it lost in a directionless void, or a road with no map just waiting for an exit to inspiration? Am I torn between the tightly held American ideal judging ones worth by his possessions, and my actual, inner values, which yearn for a simpler, more fulfilling life?

Did either of those sentences make sense?

This nation has seen three great debates in its short history:
Lincoln v. Douglas
Kennedy v. Nixon
and
Me v me

Thats right, folks. My inner dialogue; right up there with some of the great political debates of history. HA!
Truthfully, I have fought with myself over my personnal values and dreams for the better part of the last year. Its all part of etching out ones chapter in the great stone tablet of existence.
I do want millions. Millions and millions.
But if I don't get it, I am not going to be dissatisfied with life. Its not necessary.
I want other things, though. Things that can't really be purchased, though one might drop a mint on one just to get it; they are found. They are found within, and on the outside. Should I die without finding these, it would be most disastrous. And I am afraid the journey won't be so enjoyable as a result.

Bush is a punk

2005-01-22T01:02:00.000-08:00

I'm drunk. And a lot of you don't like my title. Fine.
Go here for something worth viewing.
If you don't like it. Go away.

Thanks Mark

YO! I don want-cho sammich!

2005-01-14T06:58:00.000-08:00

I was walking to my vehicle* last night after work. Down the street I saw a scrappy looking dude and knew instantly who it was. No, not one of my hippy friends. It was a bum, or at least a beggar of some sorts. Yes this is stereo-typing, but you must understand, I only glanced his way and noticed a decided hurry-up in his step as he saw me nearing my car. This put the little alarms on. After all, when someone hurries to approach the vehicle of someone leaving, they A. know the person, B. see something dreadfully wrong and want to warn the person, C. are going to car-jack the person, or rob them, or beat them, or something else that must be unpleasant, or D. ask for a dolla!
So I get in pretty quick and am about to lock the doors when a slight wave of guilt passes over me and I choose rather the just take my chances. Dummy.
The guy, of course, walks up, and knocks on my window. I roll it down. Dummy.
"something, something, something, get something to eat?" I coudn't make out the first part, but its clear what he wanted.
"what?" I asked.
"Get something to eat." he replied.
"I don't have any money, sorry. But I do have a sandwich. This was true. I have a dollar in my wallet right now. And I had a sandwich from lunch that I was willing to give him.
He paused for a second, looked off into the distance (obviously, he was in deep thought).
"Nah, thats a-ight."
Then he headed off to the next person to hit them up before they got into thier cars.
I kind wish he had given me a response mor like the title of this post, but hey.
I guess there is a clear message being sent in this event. The guy isn't hungry. I knew that before, I guess. But, come on! He's asking for money so he can buy food. Lets bypass that. Nope. I guess he must have wanted something else. Here is how the conversation should have continued:

"You don't want the sandwich? Don't you want money to get something to eat?"
"Nah. I need some CRACK!"
OR
"I don want-cho sammich! I wanna git me a foe-d!"
To which I would have no choice but to suggest he pour one out for his hommies.

*Read: Big as truck thats not meant for the city.

Caught in the Street With No Pants

2005-01-11T11:30:00.000-08:00

This about sums it up. I was reading my friend's blog and found that though we only talk about it casually, we are both in the same little wooden boat out on a lake and, having just eaten, about to be attacked by a flood of hungry leeches.
I have found that my level of stress has increased substantially since I got a job. Its as if I instantly went from "dedicated" student to old man. Now, all I do is worry about money. Gotta save money for an emergency. Gotta fund an IRA. Gotta open a 401K. Must make sure I don't spend too much money. Gotta plan for retirement!
What is that all about?!
Retirment? Hell, I just started working.
I figure I have about 30 years worth of work left in me. That means retire at 55ish. Thats a conservative estimate, I suppose with all of this early retirement stuff that people talk about. 30 years worth of working. 30 years to save, plan, invest, etc. 30 years and I am acting like I already missed the boat. I'm on the verge of my 26th birthday, just starting my career, and I worry that I should have been investing and saving at like....5. Why? Why can't I just relax, get in touch with my situation, recognize my limitations, my capabilities and just relax a little.
Here are my facts.

Job - pays more than enough to keep me alive

Credit - no credit card debts

Student loans - low interest rate, manageable monthly payment

Education - enough to get a job in retail should my current career not pan out

Vehicle - it works, no problems foreseen

Bank account - I put more in than I take out

Budget - I am over budget (i.e., a fair estimate of expenses and allowance) EVERY month

Looking at that list, I realize there are some goods and there are some bads. The bads are manageable. Just gotta do it.
Why can't I just relax? Why can't I just kick back and accept the fact that I am all grown up now. I have to take on more 'sponsibility.
I am not going to be the same moron I was for so many years past.
Speaking of that....
New Years Eve was fun. It was like college all over again. I met three random hotties and partied with them. It was fun. Kind of a taste of the wild and free mentality from back in the day. You know how it is (well, not you, Mark). Step up to the bar at a loud club, order like 5 shots. Shout obscenities. Drink till you are stupid.
So I enjoyed watching these girls do that. Granted, I did have a few cocktails, I just wasn't quite the party animal that I thought I wanted to remain. I have been getting a little upset over not having the same kind of social life, but I have found that less alchohol = skinnier me. Less alchohol = more money in my pocket. Less alchohol = clothes don't stink of cigarette smoke. Less party = less fun.
That last one is half-way true. Partying was always frustrating. I dunno if I was always looking for something. The secret or something that everyone else seemed to have found just never appeared to me.
Hmmm. I dare not look back at this post for fear of discovering just how convoluted it may seem. I think I kind of had an idea about what I wanted to rant about but didn't properly organize the thoughts to ensure adequate communication. But, that life, isn't it. Not quite what you expected, or planned it to be. Just sort of the end result of an honest attempt to get things right.

So I Burned My Hootie-Hoo Today...

2004-12-29T18:18:00.000-08:00

Apparently, there is yet another maintenance problem in my apartment. There is no hot water available, which leads me to conclude that the hot water heater(s) is/are not functioning (pilot light). I have not reported it, though I would imagine someone has.
Well, no problem except this means no shower... I didn't realize this until I was naked and about to step in. No matter, I put on my boxers a pair of pajamas and went about my evening rituals.
I cooked dinner, with my 2 cool new copper pots and pans I got for X-mas. Man are they cool!
I finished cooking and realized I simply could not leave them dirty as that would be heresy. So I decided to clean 'em the old fashioned way. Heat some water on the stove and wash em in that.
Anyone see where this is going?
First pan. Ok. So far so good.
Next, pot. Still no trouble. Hot water good. Soap good. Clean cookware good.
At this point in time, the second pot is boiling. Excellent! Really hot water. Perhaps I can use some to clean my plate too!
Pour some out over other dishes. Burn my hand. Ouch!
Grab my handy dandy scrubber thingy and proceed to scrub out the bottom.

Lets paint a picture here. I am standing against the sink, with a pot of near boiling water about level with the sink, tilted partway towards me. My free hand is scrubbing and swishing this water around in the pan. My little buddy is about 1 inch higher than the lip of the sink....
To sum things up.
When really hot water hits the tip of your hootie-hoo, it hurts. Bad. Cus words bad.

Blocked Rear View

2004-12-17T05:15:00.000-08:00

I know its band name, but it fits.
I was talking with a buddy the other day about random stuff. The conversation got on car hopping (the act of going car to car stealing the contents).
We talked about how people steal EVERYTHING, gum, hats, t-shirt. Useless stuff, just to take it sometimes. I know because my buddies used to do it. And his got hopped. They stole gum, and Kleenex!
He told me about the one time he decided to participate in this.
They were swiping fuzz busters.
He was real nervous, saw one on the window of this car, reached in and grabbed. Stuck hard... He pulled harder and it gave way, only to reveal itself not as a radar detector, but as a rear view mirror. He had mistaken the lights on the mirror for the sensors on the detector.
So now he has this mirror in his hands. He has broken the law and nothing to show for it. I asked him what he did with it.
He kept it. What else are you going to do?
I got to thinking about this event. Not so much about the thief, but about the victim. What happened to that guy. He probably hopped in his car, cruised down the road about five blocks then, checking his rear for a lane change, nearly swerved off the road as he discovered no mirror, and just a little gob of glue in its place.
Now this guy is cruising down the road in utter confusion. His eyes shift to the dash, then to the floor. No mirror. Where could it be?
So he's driving down the road in utter confusion, trying to figure out where the mirror could be. No kids, so they didn't break it and hide it....
Shortly after that, he reaches for some gum. Its gone too. Now his only conclusion is thievery.
Who the #*&$ steals a mirror?
As he continues on his way to work, he broods on this. Getting angrier and more confused. Why would something so random as this happen?
He probably got to work and snapped at his coworkers. Gave his secretary an ass load of work and stormed into his office and slammed the door.
Maybe he called his mechanic. "No, there is no black market for things like that."
After a while he has built up such a rage, maybe he fired someone, or screwed up that million dollar deal with Intel or something.
Then he checks his computer, queu's up Ebay, and keys in 1992 Sentra rear view mirror.
Sure enough, someones got one for sale. Now he is really pissed. "This sonofabitch stole my mirror and is trying to score some cash for it."
He types a nasty email to the seller, then calls ebay to report a stolen item.
Meanwhile my buddy, feeling guilty tosses the mirror in a trash. Some guy finds it and, seeing its perfectly good, posts it on ebay with all of the other random car parts he sells.
The victim, finding no other alternative, drives his mirrorless car home, still angry, yells at his wife, drinks a beer, watches TV until a Nissan commercial comes on, goes to bed and lays there. Thinking... Contemplating.
He will never know why that mirror was stolen.

A Ring on My Phone, or Your Finger

2004-12-15T19:30:00.000-08:00

She may have gotten engaged tonight. Not the crazy one; the keeper.
As I entered my 15th hour at work at the office (actually not at the office but working nonetheless), I decided to drop a text to a fimiliar person with whom contact has been scarce lately.
We talked a lot during the summer. About a month after she left, right about the time that I had started to forget about her, she contacted me. Then I had a phone number. And that was it. What alternatives do I have but to stay in contact? Our conversations varied. She isn't crazy about school. Its the same degree I have. So there was a little positive coaching. We have similar tastes in music. Plenty of superficial stuff. But we had some deeper conversations too. Dreams (not the nightime ones) were shared. Speculations about the future. Oh, and of course we talked about her boyfriend. It is always necessary for a woman to keep that boundy visible. That was fine. I knew she was taken from the start. That had a lot to do with my poor decision making prior. At some point in time though, I began to get comfortable with the idea that I was never going to be with this girl. Coping is a necessity. Its the only way we can sustain in the face of all the dissapointments. But so long as that person still exists in our conscious; rather, we remain in contact with them, the heart and mind will cross blades in a subtle struggle of rationality emotion.
So I stopped calling. I stopped text messaging. And I stopped emailing. Easier that way. But sometimes, you just can't quite let go...
The message was just to say "hi" and maybe pass a few minutes in witty exchange. Her response was "I think I may be getting engaged tonight." So.... I think she may have gotten engaged tonight.
My reply: Wow! Did he hint at it? You know, you are going to break my heart.
Was almost as stupid as the next lines I wrote.
Her reply: Sort of. What do you mean break your heart?
There are certain times when the right thing to say is NOT the truth. There are certain times when one needs to NOT share everything. There are times when letting things be, is the way to go.
Apparently, I didn't recognize this time. But I came close.
My reply: Just another one of the good ones lost. :p
Not so bad right?
Wrong. It doesn't outright say it. I doesn't outright say "Don't marry him. Ever since the moment I met you, I have had this strange feeling about you. I never knew what it was, but it felt like I lost something of infinite value. Everyday since I knew you I wanted to drive up to see you, and steal you away but I didn't because I don't have the guts and rationalize my inaction as "respect for another mans right to happiness." HORSESHIT!
But it did suggest that she may be someone I fancy.
She knew this already (the part about me fancying her). It was a subject that had sort of been discussed. At least, I thought it was pretty out in the open.
She isn't illiterate, and it could be read all over my face!
She didn't respond. I would wager, she had more important things to attend to (her engagement). But this comment may have disturbed her. It may have made her uncomfortable and unwilling to talk to me. Who knows?
Perhaps I haven't introducted any of you to my imagination just yet.
I say this because I have often allowed this nuissance to run wild and torture myself. On numerous occasions I have imagined amazing possible scenarios before being bitterly disappointed upon realizing that reality does not share my game plan.
I have, in recent months (this isn't true) developed some semblance of control, but whenever possible, it will rear its manipulations.
This could be one of those times.
I imagine her reading that and, being faced with this life altering decision, suddenly questionning her willingness to say "yes." I know it is rediculous, but bear with me.
She is suddenly staring fate in the mirror and her heart and mind are battling for control. Habit sends her towards engagement. Fate, mystery, magic draws her away. Maybe it is happening. Guess what? Nope.
But until a day or two passes and I don't get a call, a little part of me will hope and wonder. I guess I never shared that dream with her.

You better pack a lunch.....

2004-12-09T21:30:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is Bob* and I pretty much, hate my life. Welcome to my neuroses.
I was driving down the highway in heavy traffic trying to get to this way overpriced restaurant for a going away party that I didn't want to attend for a co-worker that I really like and am sad to see her go. I didn't want to attend because I have been sick for a few days now, and I have a cold. I am not sure which came first. Either I caught a cold which made me feel ichy, which drove me temporarily insane. Or, I have gone crazy and the cold is just a minor inconvenience. Either way, I am a mess.
I am not sure where to start.
I just sent a text message to a girl I hardly know. I met her at a bar in Arizona last weekend. Shes cute. Real cute. Probably not real bright. Likely, couldn't keep a conversation going if I was sober. But she flirted with me, and was quite receptive. Thats something I don't get to experience, and I guess its good for the ego, or something. Truth is, I haven't ever really tried talking to women at bars. It scares the hell out of me and I just don't think it really makes much sense. Who am I gonna meet in a bar?
I only talked to her to show off. Lucky for me, it worked and my brother now has faith that I am both straight, and capable of attracting women. I guess you don't really understand what kind of relief that is for me. Rememememember, I am the neurotic freak. Big brother was always the big stud. Whether by reputation or actual merit, I don't know. But its something I never quite lived down. Call it a complex, thats cool. So scoring digits in front of him was VERY rewarding.
Anyway, there was some flirting with this girl and some talk of a visit. Right. Like either one of us is going to fly across the country to visit a perfect stranger. Yet, I continue to entertain the idea. LITERALLY. Course, Arizona is awesome. But part of me wants to do it because this girl is obviously still young, and crazy and loves to party, and I am terrified that I am losing that. I don't want to go to clubs anymore (mostly because I just plain can't dance). I find hanging out at home is not so bad, movies are more and more enjoyable. Pretty soon I will be one of those fat guys playing x-box, lying to the other freaks out there about how I scored with this "hot chick." My voice will raise and become squeaky and the number of chins will match the level of my character. I will start watching Spike TV and actually believe that is the way man is supposed to act. Then I will buy a big ass tv and stereo....
Oh shit....
I just jumped into another problem. I have been shopping for a big ass tv for several months now. I am TOTALLY obsessed with this stupid ass issue. I talked to some kid at Best Buy for 1:30 hours tonight. What is my deal. I have obsessed over this nonsense so much now that I look at 2500 dollars, not as 2500 dollars, but as "only half as much as the 5000 dollar model." My perception becomes completely distorted. I don't like to pay five bucks for a drink at a bar, but suddenly a 3000 peice of machinery is a reasonable purchase?! Why? can anyone tell me?
Yes.
The answer is simple.
Its a crutch, or a solution. I don't really want a TV. I mean, I do, but not if its going to tap into my financial well being. I would love to have it. But its not something I really, really desire. What I want is to be happy. Thats why I am about to entertain the AZ girl again. I am dissatisfied with my life. With who I am. The TV is a temporary solution to an easily defined, yet not-so-easy to solve problem.
I look back on the last twenty-five/almost twenty-six years and I am so utterly confused and frustrated with the outcome, I don't know what to do with myself.
I spent 7 years in school. SEVEN YEARS. WHY? That is the most difficult question I have ever asked myself. I know why I started school. Its what I was supposed to do. Its funny, well, sad really. I don't value my education. I can put a price tag on it. I can quote you the number of hours, for both degrees. But the truth is, I don't see what real good they did me. They were means to an end. I got them so that I could get this job. But I didn't really want this job in the first place. I don't know what I want to do. I never knew what I wanted to do. It was always something different. I had as many different dreams as I had toys. I had GI Joe, Transformers, He Man, Go Bots, Rambo action figures, PlayMobile, Legos. You name it. I dabbled in it all. Same thing with dreams. I wanted to be a fighter pilot as early as I can remember. That one actually sort of stuck. But after my dad retired, it faded, until I graduated and didn't join the service. Then I started to freak out about that. I used to want to be a plastic surgeon. Thought it would be fun and exciting. I wanted be a marine archeologist when i had an aquarium. That lasted about a minute.
But nothing ever stuck. I never found my nitch, my passion. School was always just a responsibility. I like to learn and think, but no single subject got me going. College sucks. You gotta go and commit to something real quick, and as if time wasnt enough of a problem, the all mighty dollar dictates the decision to choose an area of study as well. Earning potential. Psychology bachelors equals about 30k. If you are lucky. That doesn't support my habits. So I got a Masters Degree. You know why I went to grad school? Cause my test scores were fairly good and I knew I couldn't make a living playing golf.
Great reasons, eh?
Hey, why did you go 30k into debt and commit 2 years of your life (maybe more) to something? Cause I had nothing better to do.
After I got into it, I liked it. I like my job. Its fun and rewarding and challenging. But it still doesn't get me past the fact that I DONT WANT TO WORK! That will probably always be the case. At least until I hit 30. I figure by then, maybe, I will have matured past adolescence. With luck anyway.
I just want to be happy. I want to make butt loads of money. AHHHH, but I don't. It would be nice. But there are things out there I value more, and would gladly have rather than a fat wad of cash.
Its funny, my buddy Mark has no idea how envious I am of him. Life is all a matter of perspective. He and his wife are financially strapped most of the time. But they are in love and appear to have a better grasp of love and marraige than any other couple I have ever met. I think a lot of that has to do with flexible, understanding , cooperative personalities, but there also is a great deal of compatibility and shared, common interests. But, here I sit, with my good job (though this point would be driven much better if I was making like, 80000) and my fancy degrees, and they bring little comfort knowing that I will go to bed tonight, alone. I will wake up alone, and will go about my life indefinately without someone to share my life with. That is not nearly as much fun as it sounds.
So I have a solution. Find what makes me happy, right? Find a job, or a woman. Or both! Well, I seem to be out of road maps to happiness and my magic carpet is out of gas, so unless you can bum me a ride, it looks like I'll be humping the trail on foot. But, if I do what I am afraid I am about to do, after tomorrow, I will have a nice, big ass, expensive TV to help pass the time...

Holy Jesus X-ray Batman!

2004-12-08T05:07:00.000-08:00

Wow! Now thats some cool picture stuffs there! Apparently some dude in Arizona has the image of Christ in his chin. Supposedly, these are not doctored. Who cares they are cool!
We are surely going to see a mass exodus of pilgrims to this guys house to view the holy image. The guy better check his freezer, make sure he's got enough burgers and hot dogs, cause he may be obligated to have a grill out. You know how those pilgrims are. "Ok, we've seen the holy image, now where can we get something to eat? The kids are whining."
"Dad, I don't want to see the holy x-ray! I wanted to go to Six Flags!"
I can imagine the dentists response, "Sir, we cannot save your left molar, but on the bright side, your soul is saved..."
Do you think these will appear on ebay later this week?

Liquid Paper 2: Enter the Dog

2004-12-06T17:13:00.000-08:00

Hey! Remember this post?
Thats right! I finished it! The great white-out masterpiece has been completed and now it may be unvieled for all!

What do you think?
Ok, Ok, it is clear that I won't be selling out any gallery opennings anytime soon. But hey, its pretty cool for bored guy at the office huh?
So now you know what it is all about. Try it yourself. Maybe someone can make a kitty, or a mouse. After a while, we can move on to farm animals. Then perhaps, maybe industrial equipment! Wouldn't that be cool? A bulldozer, or crane! YEAH!

Musical Musings

2004-12-03T11:20:00.000-08:00

It has been entirely too long since I have posted a blog about music. I bought a new album yesterday: The Shins. Its very good, though I am horribly dissapointed with the length of the album. The twelve-ish songs on the CD are roughly 29 minutes combined. How dissapointing. The songs are good, but brief! And not the good kind of brief. Not the smooth, satiny bikini brief type thats oh so sexy. More like the thong type brief. You know, like a five song partial album with two GREAT songs that really get you going, but somehow leave you wondering where the mystery went. {Can anyone sense a dry spell?}I'm so lonely.
Ok, this blog is not about that album. Its about music in general. I find that music has been a powerful influence on my life for many years now. Ever since I foudn myself checking out my brothers collection cause I wanted to be cool like him. He listened to all the 80's alternative. Stuff I couldn't possibly like at that age, but now enjoy with the solemn wish that I could have been of appreciable age during this movement. Bands like Depeche Mode, Social Distortion, U2 (Ok, they are all still around or releasing something new), or INXS, Midnight Oil, The Smiths, The Cult or The Cure. This was good stuffs.
As I mature, I find my tastes being refined a little here and there, those I do on occassion make the occasional impulse buy like New Found Glory (hey! Its good). But I am not so influenced by the mainstream releases. I skip over the Linkin Park, or Green Day. Not that I don't like what they play on the radio from these bands, it's just not what I get into these days. I am finding myself drifting towards the indie, folky type stuff, thanks in part to DeWey and a Sunday radio show called Reg's Coffe House. I do, however, still latch onto the occassional rock song (LOVE Jimmy Eat World) and stuff reminiscent of the 80's alternative (Stellastar, The Killers, Interpol).
I seem to be missing the theme of this post. I want to focus on an exploration of the emotions attached to music. Anyone got one of those "Getcha Pumped" type songs? I know Sara collected some once. How about a song or album that reminds you of an old flame? Jimmy Eat Words self titled third album messes me up. It is a great record, but I happened to buy it right after I split with a girl. I was totally wrapped up in her. I sat at my desk at work and played this disc on repeat for hours. I was so focused on her that I found half the songs suddenly seemed to be about us and our relationship! I would listen to the lyrics and several songs seemed tailored to our present situation. Unfortunately an awful memory limits my ability to illustrate this, but you get the idea. Well, this had such an impact on me that even today, happy, adjusted and over her as I am, the album still ellicits some heartache. It's OK, though. Not like it puts me into a miserable state of suicidal tendencies (another cool band).
However, pathetic as I am, I still have a mix tape "Driving Lessons in the Rain" that my first love gave to me. It was titled after an evening when I taught her how to drive a stick {insert sneers and lewd comments from readers here}, in the rain. Clever, huh?
See, it was raining,...and...I...was giving her...driving lessons. Hello?
The mix has all the favorites from 1997 (Blues Traveler "Canadian Rose," Third Eye Blind "Semi-charmed Kind of Life," Sugar Ray "I Just Wanna Fly", etc.) as well as some "special" slower songs that bore more emotional attachment. I never told her this but I accidently recorded over the last ten minutes of one side with, commercials or something (fluke technological error). I still have that tape. Correction, I have that tape and I treasure it. I still listen to it on occasion. It takes me back to her for a few minutes. It was, afterall, my first love!
I will probably retire it some day.... Just not today.
Music seems to dig into our soul, plant roots and integrate itself into our very psyche. I suppose that is why all of the "I hate my dad" music is so popular. While it is whiny and obnoxious (comouflaged as it is by heavy drum beats and guitar riffs) , it hits home for a lot of confused and unhappy teenagers. So I guess I can respect it for that...
Then there is stuff like Jeff Buckley. He was fairly genius in his work. You listen to it and it elicits thoughts of a cat in heat, but then you listen again. You actually hear, no, absorb the lyrics. Then, you find yourself immersed in an ocean of heart. Thats when it hits you: "Its really....good" - Jack Black from anyone? anyone? Beuhler?
High Fidelity. A movie about love and music and the symbiotic relationship between the two.
Much of time, admittedly, music is a background. Its there to keep my roaming mind occupied enough to allow me to focus on my work. {Figure that relationship out and theres likely a Nobel Prize within your grasp.}
In all practicality though, I cannot focus on the music I listen to at work. If I did, I wouldn't get anything done! But its there. And for driving, music makes the road a little smoother, the trip a little shorter. Wow, thats deep. I should totally market that.
How much do you love music? What would the world be like without it? What will it be like a decade from now? A century from now? What would my band name be, if I had any talent? St. Sebastians Repose? Steals a One-Liner? The clocks? Billy Lee and the Organ Donors? The list could go on.

Of course, I could not end a posting about music without dedicating a paragraph or two to my hatred of the sin that is Glory Anthem Rock! I am, of course talking about two bands (one now defunct) at the helm of this cruise ship of doom: Nickelback, and the late, not-so-great (like that? I came up with it all by myself) creed {insert screams and banshee howls here}.
Any dedicated reader should be well aware that I hate Nickelback, hell, I have a links list dedicated to bashing these nitwits. How much more disdain can one man have? Oh wait, I could be so dedicated as the wonderful gentlement at Creed Sucks and actually dedicate this whole site to such a noble cause, but I feel that my talents are more appropriately geared towards exploring the inner workings of my own genius. And to think, there are a few of you lucky souls who are fortunate to witness this demonstration of an overenflated sense of self-importance- er... creative wonder.
Hmmmm. I digress.
The bottom line is this: I am thankful for the gift that is music (and the ability to hear it). I am humbled by the passion and soul that Songwriters are able to deliver to us in their testaments to life. I look forward to the next special album that floods my ears and leases out my CD player for an indefinate amount of time. Until then, I will engross myself in the hefty collection of 10 and 15 dollar bills that seem to stack higher and higher every month.

Sleep Paralysis

2004-12-01T11:40:00.000-08:00

I went home sick yesterday. First time in nine months that I called in a sick day. Bad trend to start. Actually, I think its the first time since I was in junior high that I went home sick. Yes, I am a nerd. Actually, I think I was just well aware that trying to justify my illness to my father was a lost cause in High School, and in college? Hell, I just skipped class. Funny, I know I skipped dozens of classes in college (only one in grad school) but I think I typically went if I was sick...
Anyway, I went home feeling totally ill. I didn't go to bed though. Nope, I changed into PJs and sat on the couch to watch TV. 'Course, I felt awful, but who wants to sleep when you have all of that wonderful day-time television to watch? It's like going to the toy store as a kid! Wow! 70 channels of rubbish that I can surf through mindlessly for hours searching for something that wont totally rob me of my ability to think independently!
Unfortunately, exhaustion, or illness, or self preservation took over. I turned off the tube and rolled over. Weird dream. My coworkers came over to check up on me and they were cleaning up my disgusting apartment. Hmmmm. Funny part is, I take a nap in my dream...
So I wake up from my nap, or so I think. I can't move! I am lying, on my back, pulling with all of my might to move my left arm. NOTHING! Oh Gawd, what a terrible feeling! Anyone else experience this? Its the strangest thing. It only happens when I sleep on my back. I wake up, mentally, so to speak, and find that my body is still in slumber. I have nicknamed the "condition" sleep paralysis (its copyrighted, punk!). So far, most people I have shared this with look at me a little crazy like, take two steps back, and run away. Then I end up having to run up some mountain peak to a sheer cliff as hordes of angry, scared, stupid villagers chase after me with pitchforks, shovels, and torches.
people are just so intolerant, ya know? You're a little bit different and suddenly you have an angry mob chasing you down.
So what is up with this? I have not quite figured out exactly what happens. All I know is that it is, indeed, terrifying. For those few seconds (could be few or many) I am straining with all of my might to move, but I can't. I will even try to call out. But, from what I gather, all that can be heard is a faint moan "true love"
"He said 'rose bud'"
"No he didn't, it was 'true love'! You see, you friend is only mostly dead."
*Thousand points to the one to name that movie clip. Hint: Billy Crystal said the line above, or something to that effect.
Often, I will wake with a dramatic flinch, nearly sending me off the couch, or bed. My heart racing, it takes a few moments to gather my wits and realize that I am OK.
For this reason, I am hesitant to sleep on a plane. What if this happens? Am I gonna be laying there with a bunch of wierded out passengers staring at me while I moan slightly "ughhhh" and then have this massive twitch where perhaps I even slug someone? And then, where would I run too? True, there aren't any pitchforks or shovels on a plane, but those flight attendants are resourceful, they could probably fashion spears or other makeshift weapons out of something and chase me down. With no cliffs and major losses in cabin pressure when the doors are opened, I don't have to worry about that annoying plummet to the jagged rocks below, but that just means the hordes of angry, scared, stupid villagers can hack me up or bludgeon me with thier make-shift weapons.
Hmmm. I seem to have lost some people...
OK. To review: I make stupid Frankenstien joke. You don't laugh, but for some strange reason, your curiousity compells you to read more of this nonsense.
I then try to cleverly reintroduce joke for even greater laughs, failing to realize joke wasn't funny the first time. Now you are mad. Commense angry horde of blog readers with shovels, pitch forks, and torches chasing me up a mountain peak.

Terminal Observations

2004-11-24T17:26:00.000-08:00

Scene from Dallas-Fort Worth Airport.

A couple carrying a wedding dress: Yes, I said a couple. They are both carrying it (its long).
Two chicks about four-and-a-half feet tall each: They must come in pairs.
Some dude in grey sweat shorts, black socks and black shoes: Mamma must not have been home to dress him.
Two people who know each other!?: Correction, two people, both on my flight, who ran into each other in the terminal. I don’t know the story, but its clear it was an unexpected encounter.
Car going by with some terminal employee yelling: Funny, they must hire the people with the MOST obnoxious voices to drive those little cars. What are they saying? “Scuse caaa plez! Sboobs ska.”
Pilots: With a slight look of superiority in their faces “I own these skies”
Flight attendants: Miserable. They hate life. All these people going home, and that’s likely all they want to do.
Five Star Club: Everyone walking out is beaming. They must be giving out cake and ice cream. I would be smiling if I got some cake.
Last call for Houston: People are sprinting to get to the gate. Fat kid flips his suitcase, drags it instead of wasting the time to flip it back on its wheels.
Some people dressed to the nine: Some people lost count.
Some chick with ruby gold slippers: Who is she kidding? Not half as bad as the girl with the knee length skirt and snow boots!
Some people running: Some walking. Some tripping. “Whoa. Cosmic”
Platinum blonde five year old girl. Holding a Big Gulp like it’s a bridal Bouquet. Probably develop a marriage obsession like my coworker someday.
Hot girl with blood red hair: Pissed at her…….dad?
Empty? Ten minutes ago there were a hundred people passing each minute. Now, not so much.
Gawd!!! Is every kid fat?
Holy hanging out of her V-neck batman?!: I can see the back side of her breasts! Yeah I’m lookin’ and no it isn’t sexy, it’s just that they are there! a brief look into the inner workings of a mans mind
Chris Farley Look-alike: Same dumb grin and bad clothes, minus 100 lbs.
Car again: “Blet humvee. Yee-ute dat deet” (they are all Indian. It must mean “Excuse me please, you are walking down the middle of the lane. My vehicle appears to be faster than you and it would be of great help if you could please step to the side and allow me and my passengers to pass.”)
Woah! Hot butt! Cute face! Excuse me….

Places to meet chicks
Bar
School
~~Airport~~
Dance floor
Club
Grocery Store
Bar

Ruby Gold Slippers has a beauty mark: It’s chrome. That cannot be sexy.
Bunch of people just got off plane next to me. Can’t see for this chicks big ass and her dark brown hair with 4 blonde strands and three red strands. MMMMM. That’s hot.
Some dude carrying a Hiesman Trophy look alike: Can’t be the real one, too early in the season. No way would anyone to be such a mo-tard and carry last years…. “Yeah, people will still recognize me! I’m a selle-britee.”
Looked for ten minutes for a power outlet: Had to leave my gate to find one-
Holy crap! It’s Kurt Cobain!: Nope, just a geek look-alike.
Some giant teddy bear attached to a woman: I wonder if that will fit in the overhead bin…

Standing Over the Toilet Wating to Pee

2004-11-22T19:30:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know its foul and disgusting, but its something that has been on my mind for quite some time now and I simply have to post on it.
I pee a lot. Hell, I drink a gallon of water a day so it just kind of "flows" out of me. Reminds me of when I drink and "tap the vein." Seems like I pee so much I could literally start peeing, drink a beer while peeing and, so long as the beer didn't run out (say it a really, really, rediculously large cup) I would never stop! I tried it. It didn't work. The null hypothesis was supported. Course, I didn't control for all factors, there could have been some extraneous variables in there.
There are a couple of subjects that this post has to cover, one is over coure "standing over the toilet waiting to pee (relax, an explanation will come later) and the other is
PEE ANXIETY
You know you have all experienced it! I remember the first time. I always felt very secure in my ability relax and pee, even under pressure. Not a bad accomplishment considering how little control I have over my minds capacity to wander. But the first time I failed to unload was a shameful time. I was dating this girl and she was getting ready for bed, as a demonstration of intimcacy? I march in, pop the top on the pot, assume the position, and wait. and wait. and wait until the "silence" becomes noticable. At which time my then-girlfriend makes some kind of comment as to my "little buddies" lack of response to the toilet stimulus. Humiliated, ego bruised, I zip up, wash my hands, don't flush mind you, and storm out of the bathroom. Once she finishes, I head back in to do the duty.
Upon later reflection, I realized I made a crucial error. I didn't really have to go. You know how there are degrees of need? Sometimes its GOTTA GO! GOTTA GO! GOTTA GO OR I WILL WET MY PANTS, GOTTA GO! And sometimes, you simply get the cue as a stimulus response. This is a good segue(vocab word) into the real meat of this post.
I am a psychologist of sorts and in becoming one, I took a class or two in behavior modification. Quick explanation: Pavlov's Dog.
When I walk into the bathroom, or walk by a bathroom, or think about the bathroom, I often get a little tingle. NOT that kind of tingle! Freaks. You know, the pee pee kind of tingle. I suppose its a surviving behavior from all being raised by my super responsible mother who would send me into the bathroom every chance she'd get when we were out in public "just in case we can't find one later."
Also, there is nothing I hate worse than waking up in the middle of the night, or worse, half an hour before my alarm goes doubled up in the fetal position with my ureters, or urethra, or something having tied itself in a knot- oh yeah Kegel muscle!- in order to dam the rushing flood waters that have found my bladder to be an unsuitable location for their operations and now feel the need for something a bit roomier.
Of course, disoriented and drowsy as one is when unapologetically disturbed from a deep and needed slumber, the last thing I want to do is get up. So for about five minutes, there is the contemplation of perhaps ignoring the "tingle" and actually going back to sleep until the appropriate time to get up comes. Never works though.
So I always want to try to go to the bathroom right before bed. Well, when I am in there brushing my teeth (on Thursdays) or washing my face (every other Sunday), or picking at my face (every hour, on the hour) I call it "hunting" I often will get the little tingle. So, in order to make my rest as continuous as possible, I will go pee. Most of the time I go, no problem. However, on occassion, there is the long, long wait with no reward. I stand there, staring at the water in the bowl, hoping, praying that something will come out. Reminds me of Jerry Stiller in Zoolander standing over the toilet talking to Mugatu "Yeah I capiche. Now if I could only piss. My prostates flaring up like a frickin tichi torch. Gimme a little pee pee. C'mon...Couple of drops."bloop "THATS WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!!
Sometimes I feel like that.
"

Priorities?

2004-11-21T08:21:00.000-08:00

I am not sure if my main concern here would be my naked ass showing. But hey, those are priorities.

This interesting picture reminds me of a choke I like to tell. Apologies if it takes too long, Mark.
Three guys were stading at the gates of heaven. St. Peter walks up with a somber and apologetic look on his face. He says, shyly, "I'm sorry gentlement, but heaven is a little full and we don't have room for everyone. I regret to inform you, but only one of you will be permitted to enter. So, I have decided to allow he who has the best story to enter."
The first man steps up, "Well, I lived with this girl who always seemed a little guilty. I knew she was cheating on me. One day I came home, and she was nervous and perspiring. I knew something was up! So I start looking around the house . Finally, I find the sonofabitch. He's half-naked, hanging from the railing of my balcony. He's looking up at me witht this shit-eating look on his face. So I slam on his hands and he drops. Its a 1-story drop from my apartment, so the guy hits the ground and he's hurt, but not quite dead. So I take this big chest we got in the living room, heave it over the rail and drop it on him. Well, in my rage, I lose my footing and fall over myself. I hit face first, dead."
{Editors note: We're operating with an all-forgiving God. No hell, here}
St. Peter says, "Well, rather evil, I must say, but interesting, nonetheless."
Second guy says, "I like to do aerobics in my apartment. It was a nice evening so I left the patio door open. I'm totally into it when I suffer a dizzy spell, lose my balance and go over the rail. I live on the third floor, and I somehow manage to catch myself on the next railing. Here I am, hanging from the railing, half-naked, not sure how I will make it out of this mess, when some guy steps out with the look of the devil in his eyes. I give him this shit-eating grin, he smiles, and beats my hands off the railing! I fall, break a leg. While I am writhing in pain, the bastard drops some sort of massive chest on me. Boom! I'm dead!"
St. Peter exclaims, "Wow! That will be hard to top! Right this way, sir-"
"Now hold on just a minute!" calls the third guy. "I got a story, too. See, I like to bang this guys girlfirend when he's not at home. One day he gets back early! So I hide in this chest in the living room..."

Bad day? Not quite!

2004-11-18T19:09:00.000-08:00

And here I thought I had rights to complain because I cannot get my buttons to work on my sidebar. Man, I got nothin' to worry about compared to this guy!

What do you think the subject of the picture did right after this. The timing was PERFECT, he hasn't even flinched. But you know he had to look over as the photographer collapsed in a fit of hysterical laughter. What do you do at that point? Run over there and say "Are you okay?"{said in a mostly retarded sort of voice} YEAH I said retarded!
I think about the poor biker.
"Um, yes, really I am quite all right. Really. Yes, those are my teeth embedded in this steel pole, but hey, who needs them really? heh heh. Dentures will do just fine. I'll just be on my way then."
Biker then attempts to ride away on crooked wheels. Looking back to wave, he stumbles and nearly crashes again.
This picture reminds me of European Vacation when Chevy Chase runs over the guy from Monty Pythons and he gets up with blood shooting out of his forearm.
"No, really, entrirely my fault. This? Oh, its just a scratch."
"Look kids, Big Ben...Parliament."

A Letter Falling on Deaf Ears

2004-11-11T15:32:00.000-08:00

{Slightly altered, this is a letter I found on another blog. Its priceless}
Dear President Bush:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that, even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there
some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton and polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that
we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

Mr. President, I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you, or one of your nitwit American Taliban advisors can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

(And you thought Muslim fundamentalists were scary.)
This was a letter written by a gay man, that has likely been passed around to numerous email accounts. But it ties quite well with an ongoing discussion I have been having with a buddy of mine.
Note:There will likely be more thought/emotion provoking discussion about religion on both of these sites. Please, be offended. Think about what is written, or said, come up with an educated, sensible response that will facilitate the discussion and post it.

Gripped in the Depths of Self Indulgence

2004-11-10T15:28:00.000-08:00

All right, all right. Clearly my annoying blog gave a bad impression. Perhaps it would be appropriate to share some more positive things. There are many things that I like. Here are some of them.

Pez: Its really good candy. 'member this entry?

Saturdays: There is no better feeling than knowing you have 48 hours of peace.

Good books: I get so entrenched in a book, I forget to watch TV.

TV: Lets face it, its fun.

Bahama Breeze: Bar none, best food in town.

Jim N Nicks: Second best food in town.

Cooking: I make the third best food in town. Ok, ok. I agree, its the best food in town.

Mellissa's cooking: She is the best cook in town.

Food: Whoa, who saw that coming?

Blogging: This is superfun stuff.

Shark Avalanche: If one would just come and kill that rat bastard, I'd be rid of him.

Baduber: Cause its just such a great word.

Swimming: Incredible, euphoric, invigorating experience. Except when I have to walk to and from the water with my shirt off. FLABBY

Comfort food: Nothing to make you feel better about your gut then to stuff it. FEED ME!

Thinking about Joann: I know it makes me sad, but I am fond of the memories.

Mama: She's my buddy.

Dogs: I miss having a little rat around the house.

Cats: More company.

Love: I like the fact that someday I might meet someone who will be so spectacular, I will forget my name everytime I look at her.

Movies: Talk about a 2 hour vacation! Nothing better.

Scrubs: This is the funniest show on television. And it makes me feel good everytime I watch an episode of it.

Pot luck dinners: Some of the best times of my life were had at George and Mellissa's getting loaded and eating a variety of different stuffs.

Good beers: Read this. Beer is a wonderful part of this balanced diet!

Reader comments: Though my readers are few in number, I am always pleased to see someone leaving a comment after an entry. It very intoxicating.

Laughter: They should bottle it! Its the miracle drug of all time! Laughing makes so many good things happen inside us, and often, outside too. I like to make people laugh as well, though I am not always good at it.
FART!

Inside jokes: The line above would be one of 'em.

Fond memories: Though living in the past can be a road to self distruction, life would be much less wonderful without a good memory of past events, even the bad ones.

Playing: Anything! Kid games, board games, video games, dirty games. goofing off, flirting, teasing, chatting, anything for a momentary reprieve from the serious.

....."HOCKEY!: Yeah. I am totally into hockey. In fact! My dad drives a Zamboni" (sorry, random movie quote).

Teen/College movies: This link says it all.

Procrastination: Man, there is nothing better than blowing off important stuff to screw around!

Chris Farley: He was one funny dude. Too bad he had so many inner demons.

My Inner Demons: They're cool. We play poker on Tuesday's.

Creativity: I feel as though I have potential to be more than average. Maybe just a little. I just haven't found my outlet yet. So many upstart hobbies. One has gotta stick. Right?

Catchy Stuff: In reference to the last item. I like to try to come up with cool titles for all of my entries. Like the one above. It actually has nothing to do with the theme of this blog. How many of YOU noticed that?

My Gut: Its my best friend. It must> be! It is definately the most faithful. No matter what I do, it never goes away.

Girls: They come in so many shapes and sizes and they are all enchanting.....I also like the boobies.

Dancing: I suck at it. But its fun.

Going to a bar and not dancing: What is that you say? This contradicts with the previous entry? Sometimes I just want to hang out and explore the innerworkings of the drunken dialogue.

Chasing the tipsy: Sara, you and JD have single handedly defined the Young American. If you are young and you haven't read this blog then go to it now (notice how I made to identical links for emphasis). It is really a testament to the 15-30something state of mind. Go on. I will still be here when you get back. Its ok. Awwww! You really wanna read the rest of this first? OK. Come here you!

My blog: I know I said this already. But I reery rike it! And I rike to make it mora interesteen. So I maka lots av rinks.

Accents: clearly you could tell, the previous lines were to be read in Chinese accent. No?! Thats it! You may not read anymore. Now go away!

The most important DISCOVERY, ever!

2004-11-09T06:19:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! I am Dennis the Repressed! A political activist
way ahead of my time. Everyone is always out
to get me...but I'll fight the dirty
bastards to the death!

Which Monty Python & the Holy Grail Character are you REALLY?
brought to you by Quizilla

Things That Annoy Me

2004-11-05T15:30:00.000-08:00

People who can't park: Take massive amounts of space in my parking lot and I have to park a blok away.

Credit card offers: Every day I get an offer for like 0% APR for the next 85 months or so, but {in teeny-tiny print} offer only good on blah, blah sales and this and that...

Silk on men: Its just creepy.

Misinformed people who bitch about the organization I work for: These people know nothing but the sensational crap they read in the papers and my nuts get cracked everyday because obviously my explanationis crap.

Cops who run lights: Ever catch a cop flipping his lights on and running a light? Someone is gonna get hurt someday.

Crazy Kerri: No I haven't heard anything from her, but still, c'mon, shes Ka-Razy.

Spam email: Lots and lots of this carp jamming up my inbox every day!

Blog lists: Aren't they totally cliche?

Dan Brown: His books are awesome! But they are interfering with my work and sleep!

Cadillac Escalades: Yo! I'm so badass with ultra big, pretentios, ugly box of a vehicle with twenty inches of blinding chrome and a stupid ass crest thats the size of my wheels!

Blockbuster: How come they have 85000 copies of White Chicks, but only one damn copy of what I want to see... and its ALWAYS out! (By the way, I was looking for Princes Diaries).

The Summit Movie Theatre: This place is great except that I had to sell plasma just to afford a ticket and the ticket salesperson is protected by a bullet proof, steel reinforced titanium fortress. She communicates via a PA system that is way too loud THAT WILL BE $85.50, SIR

Blog text: Why are the numbers from the previous entry funny like that?

Cold toilets. Ok, I don't sit down near as much as the chickies, but damnit, when I sit my derrier down on that ice cold, prison, it sucks much bad.

Driving: I just plain don't like it. Does that make me unamerican?

People who imitate Austin Powers and other media characters: "Does that make you angry baby? Does it?

Politics that interfere with my sitcoms: How many episodes of Scrubs are they gonna preempt?

My love handles: I'm wishing they weren't there.

My eating habits: They ensure that my love handles never leave me.

Writers block: I am not really in a bad mood, things don't really irritate me, so this kind of labor intensive.

Girls: Why won't they just throw themselves at me?

Ultra religious freaks: Faith is wonderful, totally special; BUT TOTALLY PRIVATE!

Cable companies: Stupid, can't get my signal to stay on, rediculous motards.

That security guy: He walks around miserable, its clear he hates his job and has no respect for himself so he makes our lives miserable whenever he gets the chance.

Regular pencis: Sharpening sucks.

Cell phone rings: All sorts of obnoxious rings out there. And people seem to search for the worst one they can find. 'Member Love Actually? That ring sucks.

Money: I never have enough, yet people are always demanding I give them more.

Judge shows: I'm so glad I am employed. I don't have to be subjected to them anymore.

Rap music: It's not my genre and I just don't get it. I don't wanna Lean Back, and I dont't want a Tip Drill either. Course, I do like being in the club getting tipsy...

One uppers: You know the person, everything, every story, every event, every talent...they got it better. "My dad fell out of a 3 story building and lived." Oh yeah, my dad fell out of an airplane and walked away without a scratch." (I borrowed this example from Thomas, thanks dude.)

Political blogging: Bush, conservative, liberal, Clinton, Reagan, Dubyah, Gore, Kerry, Edwards. Lets see if that generates any random search hits...

Diamond thieves: Yeah, don't we all.

Corporate logos: 'Member when the Nike swoosh was so popular. Why would you pay ten, fifteen bucks to advertise for a company? Oops, something happened to my Dell® Inspiron 8200. Better throw on my Eddie Bower® jacket and go get an upgrade.

Lousy attempts at being funny: Have you laughed at all during this flop?

My apartment maintenance guy: "uh, I need ta know about the leak in yer cieling." Yeah, its in the SAME place as before. It leaks when it rains! You have tried to fix it before!"

My hair: Will it ever look good?

The past: The past is cool, but why do I have to live in it?

Typos: This blog is riddled with 'em!

Television: Why can't there be Dean TV? It could be a cable network that I program. Hell, they got everything else on cable, why can't I subscribe to a station that I program? Hmmm. Now theres a marketing idea...
Gotta go!

Halo 2

2004-11-04T20:03:00.000-08:00

So there is a new video game coming out that is supposed to be totally, unbelievably, out of this world. In 2001, a game called HALO became the single most important focus point of every nerd on the planet. Hours upon hours of mindnumbing gaming ensued. On the bright side, all those hours of gaming allowed these poor fools to forget thier curse of virginity and invisibility. Then the online gaming program came about and thee goofy bastards could take out their anger and sexual frustration on other equally frustrated and socially unsuccessful freaks. Gaining a modicum of artificial self esteem by defeating perfect strangers is, at the very least an improvement over crying themselves to sleep in a sea of their own seamen.
Now comes Halo 2. It looks as though there will be a renewed opportunity for everyone forget thier troubles, and responsibilities and get absorbed in fantasy and imagination. Now who is going to staff McDonalds, and Pizza Hut?
So the game comes out on Tuesday. I think I will buy it.

Music for the Soul

2004-11-04T08:15:00.000-08:00

The last five minutes of my life were wasted... At least from a work perspective...I certainly don't think it was a waste. A song came on the radio that compelled me to drop everything and listen.
Just listen.
It is one of those songs that one loves. Cant get enough of. When it plays, you simply have to absorb it, let it bleed into you like a drop of water into a cotton shirt. It starts out central, conentrated and quickly expands in all directions dampening an exponentially greater area with each passing second...
Its a song I haven't heard in a couple months. An old song, from a great movie.
Remember "Say Anything?" Starring John Cusack, and that chick with the wierd name...Ione Skye. Shes lying on her bed, crying, and the song starts... it gets louder slowly, more coherent... Then she look out the window and there is John, with his big hightops, and dirty trenchcoat, holding a stereo over his head broadcasting Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes."
What a scene. Possibly one of my favorites. That is a gutsy, bold, and downright crazy stunt he pulls. I know it is hollywood, but wouldn't you like to do something like that? Just once, achieve symbolic greatness? Imagine the guts it would take to send forth such a demonstration of love, and dedication. I can only imagine the fear associated with such a stunt.

Happy Halloween

2004-10-30T14:32:00.000-07:00

Here is a halloween treat for you

                   BOO

                  AND

      Classic Monsters

Movie Theatres Suck

2004-10-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

Went to see Saw last night. Talk about one scary as hell movie! I was absolutely terrified! For the first 90 minutes at least. Then silence...... THOSE STUPID MORONS AT THE #$&**#*@&& Q&!&@&*##* @@#&#*@* THEATRE CAN'T RUN THE FILM! The audio went out right at the most crucial point of the movie! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT CRAP?!
We sit there, terrified through all the plot development, tons of scary, and intensity, then BLAH! Argh.
But hey, so the manager hooked us up with a free movie pass as an apology. So now I get to go back to that stupid ass theatre! Yeah, thats what I want. Hook me up with tickets to your crappy reject theatre. All I gotta say is, "Mellissa, This wouldnt have happened at the Summit!"

Here's one for the record books

2004-10-26T11:01:00.000-07:00

'Member the funny application? Well, I have one that takes the cake. I recieved, along with an application, a transcript, resume (both to be expected) and (this is the funny) a certificate. Ok, so thats not so funny.
A certificate is typical (certificates are fairly commonly submitted for a variety of things like computer training, or EMT certification). However, this is a certificate I didn't expect, nor could I believe, recieving. This certificate was from
CLOWN SCHOOL!!
Yes, this applicant, whom I will call "Chitlins" (clown name changed) submitted this with her application.

It is signed by two instructors, both of which, have clown names as well.
It's even got a seal on it!
This is, bar none, the most unusual submission that has come across my desk to date.
Now, I am not particularly sure what this is supposed to demonstrate (as far as the individuals knowledge, skills, or abilities).
I'm considering calling her. You see, we don't accept diplomas (e.g., college diploma). So I think I might call her to inform her that we cannot accept her "Clown School Diploma" and to ask if perhaps we could have a copy of her clown school transcripts to verify, specifically, what clown courses she has taken. This will ensure that she got the proper instruction to develop the appropriate clown KSAs.

Blog Review

2004-10-25T17:30:00.000-07:00

My buddy Mark nutted up and got a blog for himself. I'm quite proud of himself. You should check it out.
Thus far I am not so impressed. Mark isn't particularly talented in the literary department.
His rants are likely to take a turn towards the mundane and generic. Also, he will probably make plenty of references to such lame stuff as anime and even more pathetic: Futurama.
That's hardly the concern I have, though. The real shame of it is the atrocious spelling and grammatical errors that will be splattered all about each of his entries. Unfortunately, Mark reads at a third grade level, and its reflected in his work. His emails are hardly decipherable. Between the poor sentence structure and and his limited vocabulary, incorrect use of punctuation and miserable lack of wit, there is hardly anything to even indicate any level of cognition.
So, he is quite pathetic, and you should feel quite sorry for him. So go check out his miserable excuse of a blog. It will be, at best, a bitter disappointment, but at least you can make the poor slob happy. That is, if he can even figure how to get back to his site.

Liquid Paper

2004-10-22T11:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, I admit, I stole this idea.
I am currently working on a liquid paper sculpture. "Why, dude. Why would you be creating a liquid paper sculpture?" you may ask. Well, I will tell you. I have a bottle of liquid paper. Actually two, and I will soon need a third. I have an active imagination. I also get a little zonked at work sometimes. One of my coworkers already did it. If you put those factors together you come up with one pretty stupid, yet worthwhile idea.
I am currently working dilligently to complete the project prior to the start of the new year. Right now, its just a head...though I am not sure what exactly. It started out just a lump. I added to "things" to it that could be bunny ears, or alien/snail eyes. Now its got a neck. If I am dedicated, soon I will have a body, and perhaps some odd, yet discernable appendages. I need to score some other colors. Did you know they come in other colors? They do. They have a wide variety: white, yellow, and TEAL!!!
One of these days I will make the leap to teal. Thats when I will revolutionize my art... It will be interesting when I have my first openning. It would be sponsored by Papermate! Attendees would recieve neat gift packages with pens,white out, ooooh and the new Tandem, 2in1 pen/highlighter! People would be lining up around the block to get a chance to sip wine, eat hors d'ouvres, and talk about how this piece speaks to them. I could stand around with my entourage, wearing a beret and smoking a cigarette with one of those 12 inch filters on the end. I would say things like "I felt 'vertigo' was an expression of my inner child. It years to be splattered upon the canvas." This would be in response to critics inquiry about my masterpiece; a 10' X 12' canvas with a single splatter of a yellow/teal (told you I was going big time) mix. The splater would take up approximately one square foot on the canvas. Critics would then go on to say that my childhood was limited and empty, and people would shell out hundreds to have a limited edition print.
I could give lectures on technique and influence. At these lectures I would discuss the advantages and disadvantages of the new "foam applicator." I could train eager students to "be patient! Wait for the medium to dry before applying mor to the same surface." And "let your hear dictate where you apply the brush/foam applicator. You cannot 'force' art. It is a shy groundhog. It will come out when the time is right. Forcing it will only scare it back into its hole and delay the blossoming of your talents." (How is that for an analogy?
When asked what inspired the works of art I would reply "My heart yearned for expression (read:I was bored), and I wanted to have an opportunity to influence people and enrich their lives (read: I needed a way to seduce chicks). But mostly, I found that the only way to escape the torment of my inner deamons was to immerse myself in my creativity and let those deamons take over my artistic expression (read: I was REALLY bored)." Oh, how the critics would eat that up. Meanwhile, I am laughing all the way to my big house on the hill, with a room full of little bottles of liquid paper.
Stay tuned for pictures.

Arteeest?

2004-10-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

What do you think? This is a work in progress, but after a desperate need for creativity, I began to paint a wall mural. Now I just gotta figure out how to finish it....

There are a couple more pictures of it in my Picture Archive

Jimmy Eat World - Futures: Worth the buck

2004-10-20T11:55:00.000-07:00

CD review. Since I dogged all over a lot of popular poop recently, I figured it was time to plug some of my tastes (as if the links list wasn't enough). But this way, at least others can rip me for my tastes.
I am a big fan of Jimmy Eat World. Every song they rip is a keeper. I can put on an album, or a mix CD and just jam out. I used to listen to the mix CD over and over as I did laps on the track.
Yesterday I gambled. I bought their new release: Futures. I was scared to death. Ya know how you can come to love a band and really respect their work, right? But for some reason there is always this nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe, they went stupid on you and produces an album full of vomit, or "pip farting on a snare drum"
-Brendan Fazer
I did get to hear the single "Pain" a half dozen times so I was confident not every song would be rubbish, but lets be honest. How often does one commit $15 on a single tune only to be horribly disapointed upon discovering that all the rest of the songs would not be appropiate for a "b sides" album?
Well, I picked up the disk last night. Forgot about it on the way home (brain not so good these days). And didn't get to sample it until this morning.
Stepped into the office (jail) and cranked it up. Nervously, heart beating, I listened to these new tunes. First song, good, good. Second, very good. Third (you see a trend here?). By nine O'clock I was pumped. Excellent release guys. I am quite thrilled with their latest effort. It was much delayed because of record company problems, but it is now here and its now mine! "I won! I won da munee!" -Some dude from Vegas Vacation
Now go out and buy it! Its great. You will love it. Especially you, JD.

Fact of the day..or month or something

2004-10-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools
are above national average:

50%

Glory Anthem Rock - Its the new Glam!

2004-10-18T19:39:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time coming, but I had to do it. Despite warnings from friends, loved ones, and my adoring public, as well as my own personal concerns and fears, I simply must make this public. I am, I confess, not, nor will I ever be, a fan of Nickelback. Honestly, I am so disturbed by the existence of this band. There is a fine line between good gimick and just plain crappola (vocab word).
There are many reasons why this band is such a disaster.
1. Chad Kroeger - the grocery store guy! How on earth is one supposed to take a rocker seriously with that perfectly groomed poo-brown beard and those golden locks. First time I saw this guy I thought "Did Michael Bolton hit puberty?" His perm is eerily similar to Good Ship Lollipop enchantress Shirley Temple.
2. One song - just check this link out. They write the same crap and repackage it!
3. Their bio - read this crap "Welcome to a success story built on the road..... and above all else, great rock songs." You can't lie to your fans on your own site! It should read "welome to a brief paragraph glorifying the lack of taste of the average pathetic, pimply faced teenager with low self esteem and no other means to explore the torments of teen angst because tv has robbed him/her of any creative or coherent thoughts."
4. Four chords to freedom, baby - Their second album sold 9,000,000 copies? Recorded using four chords, thats roughly 2.25 million bucks per chord. Damn, I need guitar lessons.
5. MTV - If it weren't for crap like MTV spewing out nonsense that appeals to the most mindless, yet committed demographic (that being directionless, impressionable teenyboppers) we could get some good music on TV. Well, we would need to get a music channel that plays music, but that is another rant. Fact remains, our pop charts are governed by the stupid, young, and tasteless.
6. Radio - Stupid, spineless DJ's play what the boss man says and have to actually act like they enjoy it. Honestly, talk to a DJ who knows his tunes and see if he has any love Nickelback.
And, last but not least:
7. A New Trend - Nickelback hit big in 2001ish. Thats about the time another of mother natures cruel tricks took to the main stage. Yes, thats right, proof that life is unfair and cruel, CREED was really making it big. Complete with the Jesus references and egomania. But these two bands, along with other crap like 3 Doors Down (sorry Sara), and Default led to the disastrous music trend I call "Glory Anthem Rock." Essentially this is the new Glam rock. You know, the 80's Hair Bands. Loads and loads of no-talent morons who came up with a catchy (four chord)tune. Now, instead of singing about girls, partying, or beer, its all this nonsense about pain, suffering, heartbreak (will this theme ever die), and self frailty (Seether, I'm looking in your direction).
Seriously, think about some of the music from the last four years. All of it is the same... I hear the chorus and I get this image of a bunch of drunken frat boys raising thier Natty Light, closing thier eyes, and chanting the shit lyrics. If you don't know what I am talking about, just listen for Trapt and thier hit: Headstrong. "Back off, I'll take you o-on..... When you beloooooong......I won't give anything away..."
I know I am not alone in my views... Scroll down my sidebar for links to others who share my views. Go on....its ok. The links don't bite....hard.
Oh shit.... Guess who is on the radio. Excuse me while I go break something in a fit of jamming out to some hard core lyrics and guitar rifts. Or crawl into a fetal position.

Seeking tall, blonde, and.....English

2004-10-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

I want to marry an English girl. I find that accent to be so inviting. The concept is not new. We quite commonly find ourselves fascinated with foreign accents. The southern accent is typically quite popular. I love it, but I go crazy for an English accent.
I stumbled upon some random movie on CBC starring Rob Lowe and an English woman I cannot name. But it reminded me of how much I love that accent. It got started when I would randomly catch the show The Mind of the Married Man starring the truly breathtaking Sonya Walger. I used to love to catch that show just for her. When she talks, I melt.
Another woman whose sexy voice stops my heart is Kate Beckinsale. You may remember her from the movie Serendipity. A clever, simple chick flick starring my favorite actor, John Cusack.
To put and end to this nonsense, ladies, if you are tall, blonde, and English....call me! My number is >ERROR:text undefined<.

What the hell is this crap?

2004-10-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

Take a look at my sidebar...... Go on. Its ok, if you scroll down, you should still be able to find your place. Ok, just remember: line 3

Ok, see that "Blogger Pet?" What the hell is that thing? Why did I add it to my blog? This blog did have integrity, but now it appears that I am totally pathetic. Its rediculous looking! Not too mention cutesy.
Oh well, just a poor attempt at making this blog stand out, eh. Yet....I didn't remove it after deciding it was stupid. Hmmmm.
Clearly I am the bright one.....

Oh, and on a side note... CHECK THIS OUT! WOW! This is greatest thing in the world! For all of us out there who are totally anal about our shirt folding...This is your revolutionary new solution.
Man, those Japanese are something else!
Oh, and if you already know how to do this....$*%&% YOU!

I THOUGHT I was too old for this

2004-10-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

Hold my hair. Now that is a line I haven't heard in a long time. Talk about a return back to the days of too much drinking and not enough smarts.. Well, apparently, it happens to us "adults" too. Yeah. Tonight, I was all set to see Snow Patrol perform at Zydeco (they actually come on in about 30 minutes) but instead, I am home, hoping my budding lives through the night. Ok. So, I dont expect too much more drama. I figure he will sleep through the rest of the night, wake up with a massive hangover, and sware off alchohol for a generation or more. But seriously, aren't we too old for this nonsense? I remember this back in the late nineties. But we are supposed to be old enough now that I don't have to hoist my buddies up over my shoulder and carry them into my apartment living room, right? I guess not. Thomas, this is one for the record books. Oh, and the hernia.... YOu can pay for that, dude. My abs are totally burning right now from carrying my bud up the street into my apartment.. I honestly thought I could drop him at any minute. Truth be told, I am about one shot away from hurling myself. But as the case may be, I am a big boy. As a resutl, I am not out of control. But I may as well be. In five minutes, when I turn out the light, I will be dancing with the spinning ceiling, hoping to God I don't ruin my clean sheats.
It is a matter of circumstance. I am the baby sitter tonight. But tomorrow? Well, we just don't know. But, truth be told, this is the first night in a while any of us have gone out and partied, and we just plain forgot the rules. Always, always, make sure you drink your limit and keep an eye on when that is coming. Oh, crap, Lemme go play nurse for a minute.
Ok, he is still alive.
Lemme tell you. There is nothing more "amusing" then watching your buddy lay on the street dry heaving while your best friend pukes her guts out in front of her NEW car and all you can think is, "we could be jamming to some cool ass music right about now, if it weren't for TEQUILA!"
Yes, that is right. We played with the fire and we got burned. Scorched. And my battery is dead so.....Good bye.

A little cuteness to brighten up your day

2004-10-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

This is my nephew! Isn't he a champ?

Cats and Dogs

2004-10-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

So the presidential debates were last night (read: a lesson in bizarro). They weren't particularly enlightening. At least from my perspective. Some people think it was a landslide victory one way or the other. All I know is, one isn't going to make an informed decision on the Presidential Election by watching that crap. There is no focus on the issues. Politicians are strategists. Its all about saying, or manipulating wording, to trick the stupid masses. Check out what a buddy of mine wrote and referenced (man, am I lazy). Thanks, Dewey for doing my research for me.
Ok, enough about politics.
I was checking out another blog a few minutes ago and the latest entry really got me thinking. This guy sounds familiar. I've heard this story before. Hmmmm. You know what? Its ME! Its every nice guy out there. This poor dude is struggling with the standard trials of being male. I feel bad for the dude. Hell, I can relate. Women are terrifying. But, truth be told, they are scared of us too. Right?
I figure girls find it nervewracking and exciting and full of intrigue when dealing with a new, or exciting boy, just like we do.
Let me know what you think.

This is the funniest thing I have ever read

2004-10-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, you have probably stumbled across this at some point in time with the thousands of email forwards that go about. But I laugh so hard evertime I see this. It simply must go in my blog. Please, make sure you have tissue, and a bucket prior to reading this as you will probably laugh so hard you puke... or you can throw away your computer in disgust over my pathetic attempt to humor you.

An Inexperienced Chilli Taster
Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Michigan:
Frank was recently mistaken for an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas and asked to be a judge at a chilli cook-off. (No one else wanted to do it and the original person called in sick at the last moment). Frank happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. He was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chillies wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told him he could have free beer during the tasting. Frank accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; my backbone is now in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced.
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet, aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
If any one knows what happened to Frank please let us know.

National Recall on Cola Flavored PEZ

2004-10-12T13:43:00.000-07:00

HOLY CRAP! I cannot stop eating PEZ. What is the deal with these little yummy pieces of candy? I have tossed back three packs in the last hour! I think its been an hour unsure, my vision is funny. Everything looks like rectangleswith rounded edges and dips in center. The dispenser is a christmas elf and it is talking to me. Wait......Ok. He says I need more PEZ. No, HE needs more PEZ

Tuesday's lunch menu will consist of....

2004-10-12T11:00:00.000-07:00

Thank God for my lunch break. If it weren't for this short, 60 minute break in my insane work day, I might not ever be able to handle life. Too bad we can't work for one hour and have an 8 hour lunch break. Sure stuff wouldn't get done. But hey, it would be fun, and that is all that matters right?
I'm finding myself blogging with little to discuss. Hmmmm. Am I just putting stuff down for the sake of blogging? I guess so. But, so what? Right?
I nearly had a heart attack last night at the gym (thats pronounced "guy-mmmm." thanks Homer) I was kicking it up on the elyptical machine when I suddenly realized I wasn't in that good of shape. About 35 minutes into it on level 10 Alpine (steep inclines) I started to fall apart. Heaving chest pains, legs throbbing, sweat dripping from my brow, into my eyes. My white shirt became, well white, but it was all wet. Anyway. It was tough at the peak of this hill and I had to drop the level down. I'm so ashamed.
I have no internet at my apartment. Stupid morons at Brighthouse Networks can't hook up a modem to save thier lives. I have had 4 visits from service people in the last 7 days. Thats just plain dumb. Some moron came out on Tuesday last at around 3:00 even though I said "DONT COME UNTIL AFTER FIVE!" Then on Friday the person came after five, but it was a TV person! So Saturday dude came out, told me it was an exterior problem. Ordered someone to come out yesterday. I "guess" they did. Course my internet didnt work when I got home. I called, chewed the operator out (I know it wasnt his fault). He said they came out. He schedule yet another visit for tomorrow....after five. I am currently giving ten-to-one odds against my internet working after tomorrows visit. I am most certainly betting the moron will come out and do the EXACT SAME TESTS as the dude on Saturday. He/she will then tell me its external and order a technician to come out. And the process will be repeated. YAY. fun...FUN....F#*$&ING FUN! I swear, all I want to do is get my college pick-em, and check out ebay listings. Thats all. Then I will be happy. Oh yeah, and check my email!!
Heard that new Coheed and Cambria tune? "good eye, sniper. I shoot, you run" Pretty messed up lyrics. But the song is fun. Also, the whole album is wierd but very addictive. I reminds me a ton of Rush (thats a band from back in the day, kids). Sorry Mark, I know you hate Rush.
There are some terrifying lyrics in the songs. One song, which will remain nameless to protect its identity, goes as follows: "When I kill her, I'll have her......Die white girls, die white girls." Some issues with stalking possibly? Or just a grudge against white chicks? I know it was an awful movie. But come on...

On PeAnut Butter

2004-10-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

I want to talk about a friend of mine. I love Peter Pan. He is a great guy. Always there for me....until I run out, D'oh!
Yes, Peter Pan peanut butter is good stuff. I eat a lot of it. I have always eaten a lot of peanut butter. Originally, I was a Jiff kid. Crunchy. But times change. Tastes change. Thanks to my buddy DeWey I now am a dedicated consumer of Peter Pan.
I think my mom must have had odd peanut butter cravings while pregnant with me. I say this because not only do I have an affinity for the stuff, but thanks to mama, I have some wonderful albeit unsusual, methods for consuming it.
Try these for example:
Ever heard of PB&J? Yeah. Peanut butter and jelly....on bread. How about that? Its not just for eating out of the jar anymore....
Seriously, with a show of hands, how many of you have ever had a grilled peanut butter and bacon sandwich? Oh, man. Its heaven on bread. Most of you think "ewwww". But trust me. Is excellent. The baconny goodness is enhanced by the sweetness of some melted runny peanut butter. Oh man, I gotta have one! My mom used to make these for me when I was a kid.
Then there is peanut butter and apple... Ok. This one is a winner. Man, its super. You get a crisp, juicy apple and smother it with peanut butter. Thats a treat. And a healthy snack (no its not Atkins approved....wierdo).
I also do this with celery. Hey, how else can you consume something so awful? No more negative calories though. Sorry.
I just discovered a new one! While sitting at my desk trying to figure out how I could stuff more peanut butter down my throat I made a discovery. Hey, I like Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I like chocolate. I like peanut butter. I like tootsie rolls. I have tootsie rolls. Tootsie rolls are "like" chocolate...(You can see the cogs turning). {Gasp!} What if I were to...dare I say it...mix peanut butter with tootsie rolls! Yes! I went there! Yeah! How about it?
ITS....SO....GOOD. (insert moans and groans and stares from nearby coworkers). {pant}

A little HR humor

2004-10-07T12:59:00.000-07:00

WALMART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75
year old senior submitted to Walmart in
Arkansas...they hired him because he
was so honest and funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, what ever is
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus
stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that's not possible,
make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle
management hostility.

SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,
Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT
WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE
YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously
wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks
I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE
AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

You think this is funny... You should read some of the applications that I come across....

And on the birght side...

2004-10-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

Holy crap? Can I get anything going for me? I am an absolute mess. My eyes are swollen and almost shut. I can barely see through the slime that keeps accumulating. Worst thing is, its 12:30! I couldn't sleep hadly last night 'cause my body aches beyond description. I woke up around five to the gentle probing of an INSANE MUSCLE CRAMP!
I worked out with my friend on Tuesday and, because I am a man, and she is a girl, I felt it necessary to show my toughness. Consequently one of my wings (lattismus dorsi) and a bicep are so locked up, I can hardly move. GAWD, IT HURTS TO MOVE! It feels as though some little gremlin has crawled under my skin and is tearing it out like a piece of fruit roll-up.
What else? Oh yeah! In the middle of this insane project that just finally got better. We got an extension. We were trying to do three job analyses and develop minimum qualifications in one week! For those of you not in the I/O Psychology loop, a job analysis typically takes a month around here!
Well, despite the extension till next friday, I still have too much work to take advantage of a huge score. Braves tickets. Two of 'em. Playoffs, today 4 et. I had to pass them up. DAMNIT! I don't even like baseball that much, but ITS THE PLAYOFFS AND A GET OUT OF WORK FREE DAY! Well I had to pass it up. Now I am regretting that decision. RAWWRRRR! If it was football, you know I would be there.
Oh yeah, and all I can think about is food! I just ate lunch and I am thinking about going down the block to grab a cheesburger. Great big, slimy, nasty, artery clogging, mmmmmm its so good cheeseburger!
I could also use a candy bar.

Yellow Cab

2004-10-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

So, have you been following this new private manned spaceship? Well, it appears that some very dedicated and financially challenged individuals earned a ten million dollar X prize for developing a private space craft that works. Only problem is it cost five or six times that amount to get there. But hey, thats no big deal. It costs money to develop something amazing and revolutionary. So I say "Congratulations!"
But I was thinking about the repercussions of this. First of all, Virgin mogul billionaire mcgee is seeking a deal with the developers. Pretty soon now, if the price is right we will have many more civilians going up into space. Now if we could just get legislature passed to have some of them stay. Timberlake would make a great feature for the stratosphere don't you think? Orbitting the earth for eternity. "Look kids, Big Ben."
So as this new, revolutionary development continues, we are going to see more and more space flights. Pretty soon they will be cheaper and more widely available. "Honey, for our anniversary, how about a trip around the world!"
So I see this very Star Trek world coming on with common space travel. Maybe we even have our own personnal space machine. Then come the immigrant cab drivers.... Step up to the launch pad and a hail a yellow, checkered shuttle. Wafts of cigarette smoke come from the bay door. "Yeah, I need to go to the dark side of the moon."
"Eh, Howe tu git dere?"
"What? Ok, take the I-95 to Richmond and head straight up. Then take a left around South Pole-Aitken Basin. Keep heading till it gets dark. I'll tell you when to stop."
"OK."
Sounds of foreign music whaling from the cab speakers "Blad ada, da abu, bladee....Blad ada"
I wonder what that fare would be....

Better Than Britney Spears' Latest Release

2004-10-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

Two CDs you must buy: Keane - Hopes and Fears
Garden State Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
These are both excellent pieces of musical pie. I have been listening to Keane for a couple of weeks now and must say, I like it more and more each time I listen. It's slow, passionate, and enticing. Its hard to put a name on the flavor... I think the band is quite unique. Just a velvety, melodical, silk blanket. It starts out with the single "Somewhere only we know." If you have a radio station, its probably been aired in your neighborhood. This song, though precious in its meaning is pretty appropriate for a single. Its catchy with a theme we can all relate to. But the rest of the tracks are wonderful in thier exploration of creative lyrics and (dare I say it) synthesized sound.
I just bought Garden State yesterday, on a whim. I saw it on a friends site and decide to check it out. Full of great artists, most of whom I was not familiar with, this collection of spirits is robust and simple. Though its folksy, antipop approach borders on pretentiousness, one can understand and appreciate the effort that goes into choosing tracks for a movie. Look for something unique, unheard and therefore, prime for peoples enjoyment. I must admit, I have not seen the movie (I will asap), but am certainly looking forward to it. Im a big fan of Zach Braff (check out his blog here) and his work on the show scrubs, which is, by the way, funny, funny, funny. Betcha thought I would have some creative goofy analogy to describe that, huh? Well, you're WRONG!!!

What do you want?

2004-10-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

Rudy Ruettiger knew what he wanted.
He had a dream and he fulfilled it. What an awesome feeling that must have been, back in 1975 when he made one great statement for humanity. He made a committment to achieve his dream. He pursued it. He fought for it, He bled. He cried. He never gave up. Ignorging all the negativity, despite numerous roadblocks, he became.
Find a dream. Love that dream. Work towards it. Earn it. Earn it. Earn it. Then live your dream.
I can think of nothing more fulfilling then to make reality what once was only an fantasy.
The thing is, one doesn't really need to be great. One doesn't need to be carried off the field by his/her teammates. Its not really about greatness. Its about obligation. Its about an obligation to oneself. We are, all of us, talented, capable individuals, full of life. But I wonder how many of us actually live. How many of us see life for what it truly is.
I think about money a lot. How much do I make? How much am I saving? Can I buy the tv? Do I need a 401K? Details.
I think about work. Is this getting me anywhere? Should I stay here? Should I go back to school? Details.
I think about my past. Did I mess this up? Did I do this right? Should I have done this differently? Again, details.
Life is more than the sum of it's parts. It's a great whole, full of crap. Its knee deep in foul, stinking, festering, staining, crap. But crap is just details. There is so much more.
I have a friend. She is the epitome of life lived right. She has fun when she wants to, which is all the time. This isn't to say she is irresponsible. No, no. She is far from that. In fact she is an inspiration to me, and many others who have had the pleasure of meeting her. But he attitude is beyone anything I could ever imagine. She has found herself. She knows who she is.
Thats what its all about. Living life right. Whether its a great dream of acclomplishment to be fulfilled, or simply enjoying the ride.
Sometimes I feel as though I could discover who I am. Unfortunately, this trip is full of adversity, set backs, and regression. But if I can find ways to enjoy the trip, the destination will be truly remarkable.
Rudy Ruettiger knew what he wanted. How about you?

Just When You Think You've Escaped

2004-10-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

Anyone else's history chasing them down, beating them up and taking their lunch money? No? Just me then.
I got a call last night from one of the last people I ever wanted to hear from. Crazy Kerri. This chick is an absolute nightmare. One of those "Man, I hope I never have to deal with her again." type chicks.
She came to Birmingham for a week to do some work for us, saw me, decided she wanted to ruin my life, and acquired my phone number from a friend from school. Damn the luck.
It would just so happen that I was reeling from a breakup at the time and entertained this siren. I agreed to take her out that evening (she is actually quite attractive). I figured why not? Its innocent enough?
Well I haven't given all of the details. The night prior I met a girl who made an impression on me that I still haven't quite figured out. She was poised, and confident, and there was something about her that drew me to her that still holds me to this day.
Well she was at the restaurant (actually it was planned that many of us would be there). No big deal. This girl had and is still very much in love with another man. But, if there were ever any chance of me winning her heart, this evening effectively destroyed that. Crazy Kerri proceded to embarras me beyond anything I could ever imagine. Between the loud outbursts, climbing on me, and licking my face, I think I pretty much lost all dignity. What the worst of this? I LET IT HAPPEN! Why? Cause thats just the way things go when you are stupid!!!
All of this took place right in front of the other girl.
She just sat and stared at me with this look. Those penetrating eyes. Studying me in total disbelief. I'll never forget that look as long as I live.
I did finally wise up and started to redeem myself. But then, opportunity knocked later that night, and guess what. Yep, I answered.
So, I did manage to rid myself of this menace some time back. But then she calls last night. Quite disturbing. She was psycho. I don't know what brought it on but it was absolutely mind boggling. I could hear her friend in the background so I knew it was a set up. But she just wouldn't end it. Crying, innapropriate references, begging me to go visit her, talking about some relationship we didn't even have. You name it. She is bar none the creepiest chick I have ever dealt with. And for the life of me... I can't understand why it all happened. Oh wait yeah I can... Because I have an innate need to RUIN MY OWN LIFE!!
Yes. That is the answer.

Saturday...in the park

2004-10-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

Ahh. It's Saturday, I have some free time to enjoy. No work, no work, no work! There something magical about a couple of days repreve from the standard rat race. I never quite realized how nice weekends were till now. Even in grade school and high school, I had the five day school week. But there was plenty of free time in the afternoons anyway.
Today its up at 6:30, out of work at 5, home from the gym at 7:15. Thats like they ENTIRE day. Little time to do anything else. I guess a lot of that has to do with the who "need 8 hours beauty rest" crap. I could probably handle staying up a little later each night. I don't know though. I am a bit of a weeny.
So I've already got my laundry done, and I thought about cleaning my apartment. But that will probably have to wait until later. I want to go to Best Buy, but I am loaning out my vehicle right now to some friends and I have to be at a buddies by 2:15 for the Notre Dame game at 2:30. They play Purdue in what could be a bad beating or a huge upset. Man, I love upsets. And when its a team I like, then its all that much sweeter. I am rooting for some other upsets too, we shall see what happens.

Van Wilder....Again!!

2004-09-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

I have abandoned television and video games for Van Wilder. Its probably the.....10th time I have seen the movie in the last 2 months. I am just guessing. I love it! I love college movies.
Dead Man on Campus, Slackers, Road Trip, Animal House. I like high school movies too. Breakfast club, Sixteen Candles (these are almost before my generation). Varsity Blues, Can't Hardly Wait. Even thet silly flick The Perfect Score.
I love Can't Hardly Wait. I saw that with and ex-girlfriend. It came out right after my freshman year of college. The movie made so much sense to me! I could totally relate. I remember two chicks in the lobby talking about seeing the flick "for a second time, even though I dont even think its funny."
I watched it and laughed my ass off. Joann and I both did. We walked out of there totally relating to it. We'd had both been there, done that, and gone off to school to experience that world.

I think I really messed up my ankle. Its no longer swollen, but if I put pressure on the heal, sometimes it feels like it moves more than it should. The foot will bow a little from heal to toe, but sideways? Hmmmm. Probably shouldn't be playing squash and working out, huh?

Slacker

2004-09-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

So I decided to puss out and not go to the gym today. That is ok, though. Sometimes you just gotta slack off. I came home and played some video games, now I am checking out CSI. First time I think I have watched this show. It's not half bad... You know what? I am hungry. I want grilled cheese... I think I am gonna go to the store and get some bread. Hmmmm. Or, I could go make some of that awesome brie snack. Its really quite good. Take a cut of brie, spread some brown suger over it, a little microwave and you have a treat that is hard to beat.
Suggestion: try this with a guest. They ought to be quite impressed. Trust me.
So, I am off to have some foodies.

Remember....

2004-09-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

I know, I know... Everyone has seen this before. But God its funny! I can't help but laugh everytime I see this picture. Just look at the kitty!

Bring on the Spooky

2004-09-28T18:35:00.000-07:00

October is nearly here and that means my favorite holiday. A time of spooks and screams and candy and games. Costumes that raise the hair on the back of your head, costumes that raise eyebrows, and even some that raise heartrates. This is definately a time of fun and entertainment.
The last two years have been interesting, to say the least. Last year Halloween was a trip until I made one bad decision. Thats me right before I lost my breakfast, lunch and dinner. See that cup between my leg? Filled it. And pretty sure I modified the couch too. I woke up in the bathroom with bruises on my hips from sleeping on the tile floor. Sorry Rob. Sorry Michele. Least it wasn't as bad as the year prior. Damn "Big Red."
But this year should be a ton of fun. Though I likely won't have the same crew to run with, there may be some fun opportunities. First concern, however, is to find a costume. WHAT AM I GONNA BE?! I could go as a ghoul, or a ghost, or a bug, or a frog. I could pony up some money for a costume. I could be creative and make something... The thing is, I don't like to cheat on Halloween. I need something creative and effortful. Not something that I threw together at the last moment.What to do, what to do... I better think fast as the day will be here soon.
What is the game plan for Halloween? Good question. Well, sometime this month I am rolling over to Sloss Fright Furnace to get an eye full of horror and laughs. Its been advertised all over the radio so its gotta be good. I checked out the history of the furnace and thats some pretty cool stuff.
I also may cruise over to Athens, Georgia for a spookfest. According to my buddy Mark, its some kind of city wide celebration. I like the sound of that. I just hope they have lots of candy. MMMMMMM. I want some right now. Mark said that its a celebration taking place in every bar in town. So, if that is the case, then it could be a GREAT bar hopping adventure. Maybe I could get my buddy Dave to come down for it too. Afterall, he may want to see his wife (she goes to school at UGA).
I will find a totally awesome costume. Even if I have to lose sleep over it. And, I will have a total blast on Halloween. Even if I have to suffer the next day at work.

Beer

2004-09-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

I like beer . Of course I do. I am, afterall, male. I think it is somewhere in our genetic makeup to love the smooth, bubbly, wheaty goodness of a good pilsner, stout, or ale. I like to drink beer. I like to drink beer with friends, at a bar, at a pub, club, houseparty, or any other place that allows one to drink without stares from concerned passers-by. Trust me on this: There ARE inappropriate places to drink beer! Apparently, the office is one of them. I don't know how I am supposed to enjoy my Buffalo Wings with anything else...
One thing that drives me nuts about living in the south though. I cannot get Colorado beer!!! That is such a tragedy! Spending my formative (corruptive) years in Kansas, I had the pleasure of enjoying a number of different brews from Colorado. My buddies built a wall of Keystone Light cans one year (took 'em a month). It had something like 1300 beers! I have pictures but no scanner to put 'em on the web... Stay tuned, may become one of my "Evidence of disaster" features (this item is still under construction, rather, I just got the idea, so... look for it in the future?).
Anyway, Keystone Light was king. We used to by "30 stones" for about 16 bucks at any one of the dozen or so liquor stores in town. The stores sold so much, they would often have a wall of about 50 of these 30 packs. God, I hated Kansas, but sure did have some good times... (again need a scanner for some of my pics).
My favorite brew, however, was a fabulous Amber Ale called Fat Tire , which literally was the best thing to come in a bottle since apple juice (if you were my mommy, you'd get that). I used to love this stuff. It is available ALL over Colorado, Kansas, and Arizona (that I can attest to). Its a meal, a thick fruity, bready ale that really goes down smooth, but fills you up pretty good. Its great with a Q Burger (sorry, I searched but no link for one of my old haunts). The sad part is, I left Kansas once for a stint at CofC and the first thing I did when I reentered the state was get a Fatty. I left, and understood what it was like to go without. Now, I am again without, and all I can think is how I didn't take advantage of the opportunity when it was available. Bummer, huh?
Worst thing happened the other day. I was at Innisfree, shooting darts when I saw a case of the wonderful stuff. I inquired, and much to my dissapointment, I learned that they DON'T have the ale. One of the bartenders just brought some back from Colorado. AHHHHH! Won't someone help me? Please! If anyone out there knows of a way to aquire this wonderful product via mail, let me know! I have been to the web site and searched. All they have are tee shirts and caps.
Speaking of caps. My brother, whom I owe a debt of gratitude (he introduced the beer to me) was drinking Fat Tire in a bar one night several years back when a dude came up to him and tossed a hat down on the bar. He said he was a representative of the brewery and wanted to reward my brother for drinking it. Of all the $#!^-@$$ luck (in case you can't decifer code that is shit-ass) he should get that kind of recognition. Of course, I had my coolness in a bar once. Up in Boston. Scored a couple of tee shirts cause I have good taste in music. Yeah, I'm thinkin' I can ride that glory for a few more years... Chicks dig the full story.... Whatever. Bye.

Something I wrote

2004-09-26T19:08:00.000-07:00

I wrote this some time back. I figure why not let others see it too?

I love dancing . I never really thought I was very good, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I once heard that golf and sex are the two things you don’t have to be good at to enjoy. I would qualify dancing as one of those special activities. Rhythmical churning, pumping, swaying, shaking, arms outstretched, at my side, around her waist, head bobbing, muscles burning (hmmm.... sounds sex...) all to the varying beats produced by the dozens of massive speakers in every corner of the dance hall. All of this intensified by a buzz from too much wine, beer, or….gin and a rainbow of lights flashing, quickly, slowly, fading in and out in sync with the beat of the music. The term trance comes to mind. I experienced that sensation, briefly, on the dance floor recently. The sensation came as the song transformed from a rhythmic collection of synthesized sounds to a line of intense bass beats blasting like gunfire. As I closed my eyes and surrendered myself to the sound, I could feel the pounding of these massive subwoofers and the lights flowing up from the floor. My nostrils were tantalized by wafts of perfume and cigarette smoke, and as my burning thighs started to fail, I felt my body taken over by these sensations and I knew I could not stop. I felt my mind, intoxicated by the sensory experience, float away, off into another world, a world of brilliant sensation and emotion. As my amazing spiritual experience continued, my mind only could produce one coherent thought “this should never end.”

A "Must See" web site

2004-09-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, as I promised, here is that precious link to the totally Kewl web site with all of the funny cartoons that I love so much: homestarrunner Try it out. see what you think. I highly recommend the "teen girl squad."

He's at the thirty... the twenty... the fifteen...the ten

2004-09-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

Its Saturday, and that means football! All day it was football. Originally planned to see UAB play Memphis, but got free tickets to Auburn v Citadel. Sure Citadel is no match, but hey, its Auburn... SEC football, ranked number nine in the country... Why not? Course, we only watched three quarters. Wanted to try and catch some of the Notre Dame game.
Made it back with five minutes left and Brady Quin had arranged a blowout so it was pretty much unneccessary to watch. But there were other games. Went to an excellent sports bar with MASSIVE TV's. Watched USC narrowly edge out Stanford. Man, that would have been a great upset. Whoa! I really wanted to see it. Not really concerned about who wins nationals this year, but love to see good football, and exciting upsets. Check out the results of the week: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/football/ncaa/
UAB was on tv. It was an EXCELLENT game. Should have gone to that! WOW. Fun to watch. Fun to watch.
Now I want to go to school. I want to tailgate, sit in the student section, and party all night after a big win. What? I can do that now? Yeah, but I am supposed to be responsible and stuff.
Loving my cable internet... Sort of... I had no service for half the day yesterday. I got that wireless router and things went to pot. So now I don't quite know what to do. Do I reinstall it? Or just return it. It was expensive. Not really in the budget. Hmmmm. But its soooo cool.

Welcome to the 21st century

2004-09-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

OH man! I finally got a cable modem.. i know, its like big time way behind. Well, for your information, i used to have cable internet, but when i moved to B'ham, i didnt have it anymore. Anyway, got it. And i got a wireless router and connection. MAN! How much fun is this. I can be connected in the kitchen.... in the bedroom. Out in the street.... on the CAN!! COOl!

However, now i gotta play video games. Got xbox live and I think i should try it out today too.

Movie night

2004-09-23T14:06:00.000-07:00

Pop quiz:
What do you get when you combine the following?
Stupid blonde reporter
Excellent old fashioned cinematography
Studly aviator
Angelina Jolie with a bad accent and hot lips
Cheesy special effects that could only be done by the latest CGI

Answer: A great movie fun for people of ALL ages.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow was a trip. Saw it last night and must say it was fun. The directors use of old fashioned lighting and filming really captured the mood. It was so much fun to see something that did not just imitate the old movies our parents and grandparents grew up with, but actually emulated them!
The all-star cast didnt hurt the production either, though I must say, Gweneth Paltrow's character, Polly... Dumbest chick alive! But that was so appropriate. Pretty much flushes 80 years worth of womens lib right down the toilet. HA! Take that you fem bots!
Honestly, the goofy looking robots, funky "lazer beams" and sound effects brought back a good 50 years to the days of black and white sci fi movies. Truly an enjoyable experience for an uncultured chump such as myself.

Workin' it

2004-09-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

Finally decided that my body was too important to me to let it go to waste. I managed to go nearly a year with little to no exercise and I am finally at the breaking point. Probably gained about 15 pounds in the last year. Pushing 230 with a 6'3" large frame that makes me just a little on the pudgy side. My face is still reasonably thin, but ma belly is hard to hide. So I am working out. My friend and coworker, Mellissa is teaching me squash. Its fun. I figure I can play that a few times a week, ride the bike, do yoga, run or something else as well and I should be rockin' & rollin' again shortly. Thank god, my 36" jeans don't fit and they are my favorit pair!
But I am sore today. This is day three and I fell it in my bum and my hammies (thats the bike).
Worst part is my ankle though. I sprained it last wednesday in all the hurricane trauma and its still a little tender. I know, I know, what am I doing running around on it? Well, I have an ankle brace! Its from
www.stromgren.com
which is a fine manufacturer of athletic supports and braces and stuff. I know the inventor, he has taken money from me on the golf course a few times. I'm pretty sure I beat him once in a while too.
But the ankle brace helped, plus a little ibuprophren works well. "Don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me." Nope, not a fan. Just thought I would steal the line.

Pensacola

2004-09-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

I miss Pensacola. Gawd I loved that place. I moved away about 71/2 months ago. I haven't been back since July, mostly because its a pain to drive (31/2 hours) and because after I left, a lot of painful memories associated with the place formed (A girl if you couldn't guess).
SO I thought about going back for Labor Day. I could have. Had an invite. Could have gone diving. Or, just could have laid out at the beach.
Now I know I should have. The hurricane has wrecked the beach and the city. It is hardly anything like it was before. And that breaks my heart. Whats more, it breaks my heart to think that while peoples homes and lives are destroyed, I am feeling sorry for myself for not getting to live next to the water anymore. Perhaps I should ask someone who still has water in his front yard.
I had to contact several people to check on them both during and after the hurricane. I had to call the ex-girlfriend to make sure she was OK. I was really frightened for her. She is ok. We chatted last night. Her family rode out the hurricane in her parents house in the East Hill District, which was hit hard. All of it was hit hard.
Its so sad. It was such a nice town. Close to the water, stuff to do, just no jobs. I wanted to stay. I should have stayed. Not for the girl, but for the life I had there. It was a good one. I could have written a thesis. I would still be working on it now, but I could have done it. But where would I be now? In South Carolina no doubt, or as far as Maryland riding out the destruction and power outages with my parents.
Something else, I took a holiday for this Friday to go down there. Looks like that will be scrapped. Such a shame. I had my opportunity and I missed it. Bad move, man. Bad move.